IF I GO-GO THIS IS A NO-NO

Quick update on Brian: Still in ICU, still sedated, still waiting for breathing tube to come out.  Unfortunately, patience is not a virtue in my family so we feel frustrated with the lack of progress but still feel hopeful that he’ll pull through.  Thanks again to all of you who have reached out to our family!

Brian’s accident got me thinking.  Well, actually, if I’m being totally honest, it was The Bachelor finale that sparked this idea and then my brother’s brush with death really got the ball rolling.  While watching After the Final Rose, I turned to my husband and told him that if I die and he decides to become the next Bachelor to find a new Mommy for our kids that I will come back and haunt the f*ck out of that Bachelor house.  He then reminded me of a few other “if I die” threats that I’ve made over the years.  Hmm, he was right, I did use that threat occasionally.  Then my brother got in his accident, reminding me how fragile and random life can be.

That’s when I decided it would just be easier if I put all my “if I die” rants  down on paper so Mike knows what’s up if I drop dead anytime soon.

Liz’s If I go-go this is a no-no List:

1.  Do not go on The Bachelor or any other lame dating show and be billed as “the single dad”.  You’ll just end up looking like a douche-bag.  Ask Jason.

2.  But…Don’t be a martyr.  Find someone else!  Just make sure she is a little less hot then me and weighs at least 5lbs more. And has a big nose. And horse teeth.

3.  And..Don’t hook up with any of my friends-everyone will think that you secretly wanted them when I was alive. And I will definitely see that sh*t, no matter where I am. Just think of me as “always watching…”

4. Don’t go on American Idol and use me to get votes, even if you do have a pretty good voice.

5. Don’t Facebook about me.  In fact, just don’t Facebook.  You’ve gone this long without it, why start now that I’m dead?

6.  Don’t try to cook.  The kids have been traumatized enough.  Why not use all that life insurance money to hire a chef?

7. Don’t fall in love with above-mentioned chef, unless she fits criteria listed in number two.

8. Don’t forget that your belt needs to match your shoes! Brown with brown, black with black.  Why is it so hard to remember?

9. Don’t blow all the insurance money at Sportsbook.com. Or playing 32 at Roulette.

10. And never, under any circumstances, are you allowed to go back to having John Tesh hair or wearing jean shorts and Birkenstocks, like you did when we first met.

xoxo Liz

Tagged as: birkenstocks, Facebook, jean shorts, john tesh, roulette, sportsbook.com, The Bachelor