PRICELESS IN A CRISIS by Liz

So here’s the latest update…Things are looking up a bit with Brian.  His color is coming back and they are thinking about taking out his breathing tube.  He isn’t out the woods quite yet, but at least now we can kinda sorta see the edge of the woods.

I just want to take a moment to give huge props to the entire ICU staff at Twin Cities Hospital in Templeton, CA.   They are wonderful and have been so kind to our family, never questioning why Brian seems to have so many brothers (only immediate family is allowed in the ICU so anyone that shows up is his “brother”) and looking the other way when we have too many people in the room.

But I have to say, now that things are calmer, we’ve had some time to reflect on the many things we’ve learned in the past few days.  And after a few glasses of wine last night, my other brother(real, not fake) and sister-in-law came up with all the things we think you need to know if you find yourself in the middle some unfortunate family drama.  We like to call it our Priceless in a crisis list.

1.  Make sure to fill up with gas before entering a 60 mile desolate highway with no gas stations.  And don’t forget to update your GPS so it doesn’t take you to some abandoned, broken down building instead of a Chevron.

2. When you feel the waterworks coming, head immediately to Perezhilton.com for celebrity gossip.  Reading about Britney’s recent vagina waldrobe malfuntion will dry your tears every time.

3. Family emotions in a crisis are like a game of Jenga.   If you are the robot in your family, you better keep your foundation solid or everything will fall apart.  If you need help, see number 2.  People are counting on your emotional unavailability in times like these!

4. Don’t give a toothless crack whore with a gas can $20 just because you’re desperate for good Karma.  The bitch probably won’t even thank you properly.

5. Don’t tell your Mom at dinner that she needs to be less emotional because she’s killing everyone’s buzz.

6.  Make sure your father understands that the spicy buffalo ribeye that he ordered is actually made from buffalo.  And is spicy.  And no you can’t send it back.

8.  One half a xany makes you calm, a whole one makes you sleepy and two makes you angry.  Wink twice at me and I’ll slip you one when no one is looking.

9. People chew much louder when you are cranky.  And smack their gum like they’re in a bad 80′s movie.

10.  Don’t buy the celery and carrot sticks at the hospital cafeteria for your mom to snack on when cranky. Please see number 9.

11.  Nurses don’t think it’s funny when they ask you why your brother is fighting his breathing tube so much and you tell them he’s always been a spaz.

12. The five pound crisis weight-loss is a myth!  Sitting all day+hospital food=fat ass.

13.  People in the ICU waiting room look at you oddly when you keep asking if they know a word that rhymes with crisis.

14. There is just no basis for wearing a fanny pack.  Ever.  I don’t care what you’re going through.

15. Don’t ever forget to thank all the wonderful people who send their thoughts and prayers to your family when times are tough.(see below)

THANKS!!! Your messages have kept me going these past few days!  My family and I thank you from the bottom of our cold, unemotional hearts!

xoxo Liz