PRIVACY PLEASE by Liz

I’m not sure what was going on with me last week, but I engaged in some major retail therapy. And I must admit that I’ve always been a bit of a label whore.  But the problem is I don’t like paying for labels.  So I do what any self-respecting cheap-ass label whore does when she’s dying to do some shopping-I hightail it to the nearest Loehmann’s.

Ahh…Loehmann’s.  Where else can you find discounted Rock and Republic jeans, Coach clogs and Hanky Panky underwear all under one roof?  And before you judge, I didn’t buy the clogs.  I’m not gonna lie, I was tempted.  They had huge C’s on them!  Coach Clogs!  With the Cs!  But then I remembered clogs are out and I don’t live in a windmill(Although wouldn’t it be cool if I did?) so I passed.

But I think we can all agree what really makes the Loehmann’s shopping experience unique are it’s communal dressing rooms. Never able to limit myself to just eight selections, I’m always forced to undress with the masses. And even though I’ve done it literally hundreds of times over the years, I still cringe a bit each time.  Especially when people aren’t following standard communal dressing room procedure.

And after what I witnessed last week at the Long Beach Loehmann’s, I felt that everyone could benefit from a “personal space” refresher course. Because no one should have to see some of the things I saw.

So get your pen and paper out to take some notes because these are the top five unwritten rules for undressing in front of strangers:

1. Don’t look each other in the eye.  In fact, just don’t look.  Not even in the mirror’s reflection.  Just don’t. I’m trying to only have half of me undressed at one time, but there’s only so much I can do.  And I might rip something if I do it any faster so stop making me nervous.

2. If you are too good to undress in front of us and insist on standing in line for a room, don’t look. And don’t shake your head when I put on something a bit too tight.  I thought the tag said M, not XS!  In fact, can you move your prudish ass and go get me the right size? Thank you.

2. Don’t speak unless spoken to. We are here to find bargains, not friends.  And what kind of friendship would we have, meeting like this? I need to keep my stretch marks a secret until after the first year at least.

3. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Btw, I don’t give a shit if you think this dress “flatters my curvy shape” or that “Pink isn’t really my color.”  I bit my tongue when you tried on the bright orange Juicy Couture sweatsuit, can’t you do the same for me?

4.  Don’t get too naked. Please. I’m begging.  Try on your bathing suits in the dressing room.

5.  Please don’t crowd me. I need at least one clothes-hanging bar between us. In fact, let’s make it two.  We shouldn’t be so close that I can see that you missed your last bikini wax. If this sounds like you, please take special note of rule number four.

Good luck and good shopping!  xoxo