Update on Brian: After a very close call Friday morning, Brian is holding at critical but stable. He’s been transferred to a bigger hospital in San Luis Obispo so he has access to more procedures. So the waiting begins again…
For the latest updates on Brian from Dr. Ken, you can head over to Grape Radio.
When Brian’s wife hit the panic button Friday, our family(including BFFs Lisa and LaSundra, who are like family) dropped everything and rushed to convene together.
Lisa left straight from her colonic appointment(btw Lisa, that’s gross) and LaSundra had left from work so they shared an olive green Juicy Couture sweatsuit all weekend. LaSundra would wear the pants and Lisa would wear the jacket and then swtich. Between that and the fact that Lasundra used my scarf as a do-rag and her big ol’ purse as a suitcase, I had plenty to laugh about!
But when things were going south quickly, it was interesting to see the different roles that people played as they arrived at the hospital. I guess everyone wants to feel like they are helping out in any way then can. And some of us are simply trying not to lose our shit in front of everyone.
And by now, you have surely realized that I love to make lists. So Lisa and I put this together as we sat in the waiting room over the weekend for your reading pleasure!
1. Billy and LaSundra: The “faux-bots”
For those of you who follow this blog, you know that over-emotional people have no business crashing our impromptu family ICU party. Most of the Clarks thrive in this situation, but we discovered my brother Billy and best friend LaSundra only pretend to be emotionally unavailable after we caught them sneaking out for a teary embrace. From then on, they were nicknamed the “faux-bots”.
2. Mike: The Tall Fall Guy
Oh, my poor sweet husband. Never complained once when he got run over by The Bus Driver. (see number 3) Whether I was blaming him for accidentally dialing my father’s cell and waking him up at 6am or hitting my brother in the middle of the night when he was snoring his face off, Mike took it like a champ. And yes, we were all sleeping in the same room. And that issue is a whole other blog in itself.
3. Liz: The Bus Driver
Apparently, I like to throw others under the bus when upset. Who knew? My sincere apologies if I left tire tracks on anyone’s back.=)
4. Mom: The Iron Chef
Unable to don a surgical mask and scalpel, my mom, being the true Italian she is, grabs an apron, a paring knife and starts chopping vegetables when in crisis. I somehow always end up as the unwilling sous chef and dishwasher in this situation. WTF?
5. Dad: The Food Critic
This is one man you don’t want sitting down in your restaurant unless you have mastered the perfect plate of egg whites and bacon. Because no other meal will please him and no one in your family will have a moment of peace until he is satisfied.
6. Ken and Lisa: Dr. and Mrs. Roboto
Brian’s close friend and family physician, Ken rushed to his side on Friday. Everyone looked to him to interpret the physicians reports stoically and participate in endless family Q&A sessions. Between his comforting updates and the fact that his wife Lisa coined the term “faux-bots”, how could we ask for anything more?
7. Steve: The Professional Bystander
My Step-dad has perfected the art of standing around and observing. Seriously, I don’t think the guy said two words all weekend. But he was reading I’ll Have Who She’s Having the entire time so I gave him a pass.
8. Jay: The Shrink
If you have extra down time on your hands and would like be psycho-analyzed as to why you chose Ruffles over Cheetos at the cafeteria and what says about you, Jay’s your man. Very useful when you have ten hours a day to kill in a waiting room!
9. Laura: The Wife
A pillar of strength, she has been given a free pass. The crazy part is that she hasn’t really used it except to boss me around a bit here and there and to tell Lisa the end of Big Love with out so much as a spoiler alert. I don’t want to get all sappy, but Laura is my hero. I’ve never seen someone so gracious in such a terrible situation.
10. Seth: The Know-It-All Navigator
Laura’s brother Seth loves to give directions. Heading to Taco Bell? He knows where it is. Need gas? He’s got your back. A commercial pilot by day, he loves to act as a human GPS in crisis. But Seth, do we really need to take side streets everywhere? Freeways can be your friend. This is isn’t the clear, blue sky. We have stoplights down here!
11. Lisa: The Concierge
Lisa took on the challenge of finding six hotel rooms during “Zin Festival” weekend in Wine country. Not an easy task, people. And the restraint she showed while dealing with a complete asshole at an unnamed hotel(hint: it rhymes with Schmoliday Schminn Schmexpress) was unprecedented for her. I think the fact that they were holding LaSundra’s credit card hostage may be why Lisa did not unleash her beast within. Either way, I think we can all agree that the hotel manager dodged a major bullet.
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Endless laughs Liz & Lisa!!
p.s. – Mike spent his childhood as The Tall Fall Guy; living with two females in a two bedroom apartment has made him the man his is today :)
xoxo-
Jenny
Let me add a bit more detail to the incident with Liz and Mike in the bedroom
#1 Seperate beds. Promise.
#2 Not only did Liz try to put this on mike, when confronted she called it a ‘nudge’. I have bruise marks from the ‘nudge’.
#3 In a crisis…get a hotel rather than stay with family…..it is worth every dollar….Lisa…help?
We could talk years about your rhyme and list obsessions.
Jay
Jenny, yes, you and Sharon did train Mike very well! I appreciate it.
Billy, it was a nudge! You are such a baby. And I wasn’t going to say anything, but your snoring machine make you look and sound like Darth Vader.
Jay, if you don’t like my lists then say hello to my fists!!!
xoxo Liz
Love it! Made me a laugh and even get a bit misty that you have all banded together. …The shared juicy sweatsuit also cracked me up as I sit in here in mine. I like to refer to it as my “uniform”. Big hugs to all of you!
There are times when you find grace and humor in the most unusual places. Anyone who has had a similar experience has met these characters. Thank you for making me smile. :)
Thank you for the comment, Tami. I’m glad you didn’t find us too crazy in a crisis :)
Thanks Thea! I haven’t spent this much time with my brother since we were kids, so I guess there is a silver lining.=)
Thea– I actually call that particular juicy suit my BBQ suit–long story–but I will tell you that I wear it ALL THE TIME, rain or shine. I wear it so much, that when I told Matt’s daughter I didn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s day, she said, “you should’ve worn your green sweat suit that you wear ALL THE TIME”…
Love it! I have three side notes that need to be mentioned…..
#1 You forgot to mention that when I was talking to your Dad (Bill), I thought I was talking to your brother (Bill) for the first 30 seconds of the conversation and then I hung up on him.
#2 I told your brother that you would call it a “nudge” even though he was complaining of dreaming about being “punched”
#3 I have a thing for bus drivers:)
Hmmm, I don’t know that we trained him as much as he just survived, the poor guy! I’m having a giggle fest over the whole bedroom incident. Did I ever tell you about the time Mike and I were fighting and I accidentally kicked him in the family jewels. My mom came out when he started crying and beat the sh*t out of me. Okay, that may be a little dramatic but if you could only imagine Sharon yelling at me and pulling my hair (while Mike is hunched over in the corner) yelling “you NEVER hit a boy there”….oops. Guess you should count your blessings you were ever able to have kids :)
Liz, hard to argue with a girl that expresses her hostility with such agility.
Jay
Mike, what can I say?
1. I was in a haze that morning. And considering the fact that my father is not a forgiving man, you took it like a champ when I blamed you.
2. IT WAS A NUDGE!!!
3. When I get home, I’ll get my bus driver uniform out just for you….(um, what the hell do bus drivers wear anyway?)
xoxo Liz
Jenny! The visual you just created in my mind of Mike hunched over is disturbing!
Thanks Tami!=)
Liz– because you’re the “bus driver” you also forgot to mention that I gave you that name…..and it must have slipped your mind that I was the one who had Mike’s back all weekend and came up with The Tall Fall Guy……for I was witness to the conversation between poor Mike and “the real Bill”….. it was not perty!!
Liz & Mike– it’s getting a little HOT in here!! And I’m a bit grossed out that I’m now trying to visualize how a bus driver can be sexy….the only thing that keeps popping in my mind is the bus driver from Mrs. Doubtfire.
PS: You just xoxo’d your husband!!
Um Lisa, it didn’t slip my mind, that’s why the post says BY LIZ AND LISA. And you did have Mike’s back, that’s fo sho. I’m sure he appreciated it someone pushing him out of harm’s way when the bus came rolling through town. Beep beep!
Gross! I would be a way sexier bus driver than Mrs. Doubtfire, even after sitting up here on my ass for five days eating crap.
Jay, don’t mess with best cuz the best don’t mess.
xoxo Liz
Those are great! Thanks for the continuous updates & laughs! By the way, ode to #11 Liz. I have been waiting for the right time to tell you that I found a real, live “Liz Shenton” on FB! LOL! Hope this brought you a laugh! Take care & prayers continuing girlfriend!
You’re in no way, shape or form the Mrs. Doubtfire busdriver! tUnfortunately, that’s just who popped into my head. But now that I’ve had more time to think about BUS MOVIES as there are SO MANY, you’re definitely Sandra Bullock from SPEED (1, not 2)!! xoxoxooxo
Kenan, Liz Shenton? how funny. Is there a Schiz Shenton? Because that would be classic. Weird, but classic. Schiz is not really that common of a name. xoxo Liz
You are clearly out classed; this is no fight you could last
I do so love a girl with spunk; and no junk in the trunk
You claim I love to analyze; which I must say did tantalize
I gave your post some thought; then remembered you were distraught
Jay
Truce? :-)
What’s wrong with Junk in the Trunk?? hmmmmmm
Lisa: I didn’t realize that you wear that track suit “All the Time,” I will get you the other half ASAP!
Thanks to all for giving me something to wear other than a suit and stinky shoes.
BTW I def dodged a bullet, since Liz didn’t know about the shoes!!
As for Liz and Mike’s Fantasy Land…um er, yeah. that is a bit disturbing. How about a Naughty Chauffeur instead!?
Jay, a truce sounds good…=) I can’t take take the rhyming pressure anymore.
La, your shoes were stinky but luckily I had other things on my mind that day! It’s cool, I know you have a hard time finding good shoes for your boney feet. xoxo
LaSundra, nothing wrong will generous booty. On a personal note, I rather like it. However, men risk dismemberment (pun intended) , if we comment that we adore a woman’s generous tushie.
This is well documented in the Men’s Manual, Section 14, Subsection (iii) Paragraph 7, Titled: “Compliments that can backfire, use with extreme caution”.
Jay
La– Remember when I smelled your feet and told you that you might have to go in the bathroom and wash them? But when you didn’t get up & do that, I still sat by you, not saying another word. That’s friendship!! And yes, I wear that track suit ALL THE TIME so please return it soon! xoxo, Lisa “The Concierge” Steinke
I totally agree sitting beside smelly feet rises to a new level in the annals of friendship. Unless perhaps you’d had a few too many glasses of wine and just didn’t care all that much, Lisa? :)
Liz, you’re amazing for the way you and handling everything. So many of us are cheering on your whole family.
Forgot to add — a colonic? Really, Lisa? Can I just ask, did you Facebook during your colonic?
Sarah, thanks so much, you are so sweet. And btw, I JUST found those smelly shoes in the back of my car today. GROSS!
And, yes, if Lisa could Facebook during colonic I bet she would. Her status would read Lisa is getting all the sh*t sucked out of her. ha!
Sarah– Before we “went to press”, I added the fact that I was at a colonic b/c I thought it was funny. TMI alert: That Friday when we got the news, I WAS texting during it & even had two phone calls (sorry Liz & Lisa). But as Angie can attest (my technician), when I asked her if she’d mind if I made a call, she said “no way, Lisa, I’ve seen a lot worse go on in here!”
PS: I’ve never Facebooked during a colonic, but never say never!
Sarah– I was frighteningly sober– unfortunately. But I felt bad for La Sundra and her stinky ass feet!