The year was 1987. Walk Like an Egyptian topped the charts; Ollie North defended his role in Iran-Contra; Platoon won the Academy Award for best picture and Lisa Steinke knowingly and willingly got big, f***ing, honking, red glasses that made her look like Sally Jesse Raphael.
Why the f**k would she do that?
Well, like any good, respectable daughter, I’m going to throw my dad under the bus on this one.
Good ol’ Bob Steinke who simply did NOT give a rat’s ass about my teenage angst and awkward phases. Bob Steinke, who didn’t seem to care that I was struggling with major drama like pads vs. tampons; Sun-In vs. bleach and Corey Haim vs. Corey Feldman.
My dad’s only focus was figuring out how to keep his teenage daughter with raging hormones as far away from boys as possible. Hmm…now that I think about it, he definitely didn’t encourage anything that would make me LOOK better. Some of his “rules”…
Couldn’t date ’til I was 17!
Couldn’t get my drivers license ’til I was 18!
Couldn’t shave my legs ’til I was 16! (Don’t worry–although I clearly wouldn’t have known what tweezers were if they’d stabbed me in the freakin’ eye, I DID get my mits on a Bic Razor and secretly shaved my hairy ass legs a long time before that.)
So, there I was…15 years old…a freshman in high school and feeling awkward as all hell. My boobs were growing so fast rumors swirled that I got implants; I had questionable fashion sense (even though I still really, really want to believe that my L.A. Gear high tops and matching L.A. Gear jean jacket were in style?!) My hairstyle was, well, a perm. And apparently I had a strange desire to place a barrett on the very top of my head.
Late at night as I’d listen to my Tiffany tape (Could’ve Been was a personal fav) and cry about my terribly hard life, I’d think, “At least I FINALLY got my braces off!”….
And then I went to the eye doctor and received the news that apparently I was blind as a bat. But there was NO WAY I was going to wear glasses! I was going to get contact lenses instead!
Not.
Not if Bob Steinke had anything to do with it. I was wayyyy too young, irresponsible and immature for those, he said with a satisfied smile on his face.
In front of the optometrist, I screamed that I didn’t want to go from “brace face” to “four eyes!” I’d walk into doors and walls before I’d be caught dead in glasses! I didn’t need to see the letters E, C, D, F or Z! He was ruining my life!
But dear ol’ dad didn’t flinch. His answer was an unequivocal NO. And when Bob Steinke said, “NO”– let’s just say he meant it.
So being the fifteen year old “rebel” that I was, I said f**k it, If I’m going to wear glasses, I’m going to wear glasses. I’m going to make a statement!
But it wasn’t until I stepped foot on campus the next day, that I put two and two together.
“Hey Sally!”
“I want to be on your talk show!”
“Look–Sally Jesse Raphael goes to Vista High now!”
I ran into the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror.
F**k. I did look like Sally Jesse f***ing Raphael.
And then I remembered what my dad said to me as I stubbornly tried on glasses. “Yes, you should DEFINITELY get the red ones.”
I couldn’t deny it. The game had a clear winner.
Bob Steinke- 1.
Lisa Steinke- ZERO.
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I’m not sure where to start with this one! As a former four-eyed, brace face I am very sympathethic. I was called Woody Allen growing up … not because everyone thought I was destined to be an Academy Award winning director, writer and actor. No, I got the nickname because my parents “helped” me pick out tortoise shell eyeglasses. I know my focus should be on your glasses in the picture, yet my eyes kept drifting to the rainbow slinky earrings … were those your dad’s idea too? I’m going to have to take a lesson from his playbook if I ever have a daughter!
David– Thank you for sympathizing! If you are “brave” enough, maybe you can post your Woody Allen picture…If I can put my trainwreck out there, so can you! Come one, come all!!
PS: I think Bob Steinke bought me those earrings! He was so sly!
I’ll look through the family archives and see what I can dig up. Gulp!!
I am laughing my f**king a** off right now! Seriously, tears! I swear, I was right back there with ya…I didn’t have glasses. Or braces. But I had the Corey debate. And the barrette on the top of my head. And fashion that I just KNEW was cool. I totally matched my 3 colors of eye shadow with my 3 pairs of socks layered under my tight-rolled jeans. Thanks for the laugh (as always). ha ha ha…still laughing and going to look for License to Drive under all the dust. Okay, I actually bought it on DVD, so it’s not dusty, just thought it sounded better.
Lisa– SO funny. At least you were real enough to actually post this pic– “geek to chic!” You were still attractive anyway, so am sure the guys looked past the “fire-starters” on your face. :)
Lisa,
I don’t think ever forget that day you came to school wearing your green-striped shirt, overalls, red glasses and THE BIGGEST BOOBS I’VE EVER SEEN!!! Where di they come from? It was the talk of the school!
But you really worked those glasses, girl! You go!
xoxo Liz
You can do it David… this is a “safe” place…. I promise (sort of)
Girlichef–I’m so happy to have made you laugh! That is the goal. I was having so many flashbacks as I was writing it…. Like the time I put an entire bottle (no joke) of Sun-in in my hair. It was orange for a really, really long time…
And I totally remember the layered socks and the peg legged jeans! It just wasn’t pretty!! xoxo
Astra–I love “geek to chic”– you are the master of the title/tag line. I love “Can’t Buy Me Love”… (He went from totally geek to totally chic!) one of the greatest 80′s movies eva! Thanks for saying I still looked attractive…. you’re too kind… obviously you don’t have YOUR glasses on… you should look really close at the eyebrows. Hello Bert (of Bert and Ernie)!
PS: Somehow, I did get guys… but I suspect they weren’t looking at the glasses…and were probably looking at those rapidly growing boobs!
PS2: Just looked up Can’t Buy Me Love– it came out in 1987!!!
Liz–
I think people still suspect I got implants. I don’t know what happened. One day I was an A and the next, I was, well… bigger. I did kind of work those glasses, didn’t I? I don’t remember any boys giving a s**t about ‘em! Ha.
xoxooxoxoxo
PS: Looking forward to YOUR high school photo to make an appearance…
I had to put my two cents in here since I witnessed the actual events in real time. You worked those red shades and made Sally glasses cool back then. Can’t wait to see one of “oh lizzy’s” pix’s.
Gerry– Thanks! I guess I did work those shades… Screw Bob Steinke’s plan! I still got guys!
PS: Rmbr you used to wear my L.A. Gear Jean Jacket all the time & I’d wear yours? So funny how long ago that was…
I remember I wore ALL of your clothes. Lucky me but what a mooch I was! I prob would of borrowed the shades if I could of as well! LOL! (that was for Liz)
And sorry Bob but hate to drop the bomb on you 20 years later.. your plans to keep Lisa away from the dudes didn’t work!
Gerry–Remember you lost the jacket and you didn’t want to tell me… and I was stalking you about it…and then you FINALLY revealed that you didn’t know where it was? I just remembered that right now…
PS: The reason I’m able to throw Bob Steinke under the bus so often is he does NOT read this blog…. But I will pass along your message :)
Lisa and Gerry,
Please do not forget the LA GEAR HIGHTOPS that would accompany the jackets. EVERY DAY. And Gerry, I will post something next week, I need to go through “the box” to find something.
Lisa, you also had these weird earrings with blue water in them that you would wear. Remember? I still think about them sometimes.
xoxo Liz
How sad. I was a hot mess back then. Sorry it had to be at your jean jackets expense!
Gerry– If u were a “hot mess”, what does that make me? I SO want to believe my overall shorts were OK… I’m in bad fashion denial!!! Our high tops and jean jackets were cool right?You were a cheerleader! Weren’t u a trend setter? PS: l wonder what REALLY happened to my beloved LA Gear jean jacket….(feel free to confess the truth. The statute of limitations on losing someone’s jean jacket is up)
Liz–OMG… How could I forget those earrings! I wore the s**t out of them!! Obviously judging from this picture, I really liked flashy things hanging from my ear lobes…
No wonder I’m only into simple jewelry now!!
I promise if I really knew what happened to the jacket I would tell you. But… I did come up with a sort of payback. Believe it or not I still have a black guess jean jacket hanging somewhere in the back of my closet. It is yours if you want it!
The glasses are primo. As are the huge earrings. I had a few pairs like those too.
TM– Got to Love the 80′s hoops!!
This is the funniest blog EVAH! We’ve all been there, but I really think you looked cute. I’m almost tempted to posted my senior picture of me with the FULL eyebrows!Bert, meet Ernie…lol! Hence my absolute obsession with perfect brows now! LOL!
Loved you blog!
Tera–Thanks for stopping by! Love you and your ever-flowing compliments! Even when I look like a crazy 80′s Sally Jesse knock off! You should post your senior pic! I would LOVE to see that :) If you post that pic, I’ll post another…. maybe mine will involve “mom jeans” this time….if you’re lucky!!
Lisa,
I can sympathize. I had braces, glasses and a (gasp) jheri curl!!!!!!
All of it made worse because of 80′s fashion.
You should post a picture! I think everyone should come forward with their bad eighties pics!
I got a spiral perm in high school and went from having straight, limp, long hair to having Shirley Temple-on-steroids-hair. It wasn’t my best look. But it only got worse as it grew out, and the top half was iron-straight, and then the bottom half was frizzy and curly and wild. Sheesh. As if high school wasn’t hard enough — I had to try to make it worse for myself?
You’re brave to post a photo! I’ve burned all of mine ;)
Sarah, I actually already had crazy frizzy hair but had to have a perm also so I could have even frizzier, stinky hair! And since I was also heavily involved with Lisa’s Sun-in phase, it was also ORANGE. Stinky, frizzy, crazy ORANGE hair. I looked awesome.
xoxo Liz
Sarah– Liz and I will be posting many, many more! Stay tuned!
PS: I had a spiral perm too (probably pretty obvious by the photo). And then I let mine grow out so it was half wavy, half straight. Why was it so unheard of to take a trip to the salon and get the situation corrected–somehow?!?