Wo-Man By Lisa

First, we are so happy about Brian’s improvement! Caring Bridge

Disclaimer: I love my GIRLfriends. Many of us have been friends for 10 plus years. We shit talk, we bitch and we like to ditch our MEN and get our flirt on during GNO’s. They are my friends until the end and I’d kick anyone’s ass to protect them. So, the following post is not a reflection of how I feel about hangin’ with my LADIES.

Man, I feel like a woman….

I think Shania has it backwards.

My song would be Wo, I feel like a man…

I like to believe I’m a sheep in wolves clothing. On the outside, I’m sure I could be described as somewhat of a girly girl. I get a regular mani -pedi, I love to wear a fun party dress & heels and I’ve even started a new love affair with my curling iron. (BTW–so much easier than a self blow out & you don’t have to wash your hair for THREE to, er, FOUR days!)

But on the inside, I think I fall more on the man side of woman. No offense to females, but it seems like it can be a hell of a lot easier over there! (Minus ball scratching, junk adjusting and communal urinals!)

I’m always bragging to Matt about how cool I believe I am to date… because I think like a MAN :)

I love to watch sports with or WITHOUT him!

I encourage him to go to Vegas for March Madness or JUST BECAUSE!

I tell him to go on more man outings with his boyfriends AND encourage him to flirt!

The list goes on and on…

Until…

The WOMAN inside of me forces her way out!

I f***ing hate it when that happens!

Recently, Matt and I were talking on the phone (Rare because we BOTH hate it–another point in my man column) and out of nowhere I went all chick on him. I started crying about everything– how I felt lonely, was exhausted and wondered if so and so was mad at me. And instead of supportive words on the other end of the line, I heard a semi-muffled chuckle. I immediately snapped to attention.

“Are you laughing at me?” I questioned as I wiped a tear away.

“Hell yeah! Because you want to be a dude so bad but you can’t deny your inner chick!”

F**k. He was right. Crying about nothing. About to start my period. Bloated. Female things I simply could not deny.

But…

I hate shopping.

I burp loudly.

I watch 60 Minutes.

“Sorry GIRLfriend”, he said. You are really, really cool and super beautiful and amazing and I’m head over heels in love with you… (OK, he didn’t really say all that!)  “But as long as you use a tampon, get bitchy and listen to Barry Manilow, you’re a WOMAN.”

He had a point– not about the tampons or the bitchiness… but, I did heart Barry– a lot. Could I give up “Mandy” or “Copacabana” or more importantly, did I even want to? No and No.

But…

I think Heidi Klum is smokin’ hot!

I watch old Bulls games on ESPN!

I’m visual!

But despite my man-like behavior, my damn ovaries and boobs sell me out every single time!

Like this past weekend when Matt was in town for my birthday. (YEAH!) After my emotional breakdown just days before,  I was determined NOT to cry again– overanything. So I didn’t…

Not when I watched the video his kids made me.

Not when I opened my Elton John- Billy Joel tickets.

Not even when Elton & Billy sang Candle in the Wind.

But then when I was driving him to the airport my eyes started welling. I tried to distract myself by talking to him about the weather, a work meeting, ANYTHING! When we pulled up to the curb, I gritted my teeth, gave him a closed mouth kiss and practically threw him out of the car. (Sorry, babe!)   I was, victorious! Ha!

But then I couldn’t help it. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw him walking through the double doors and suddenly I could feel the tears burning in my throat…and then my eyes filled up…. and then before I knew it, I started gushing like a freakin’ geyser!

Suddenly, even in my own watery eyes, I was losing my self-proclaimed man cred. I could no longer deny it.

Maybe I was a f***ing chick after all.

But they have it so freakin easy over there in Manland.

If only I had a penis…

* I’d never have to remember anyone’s birthday! Yet, my name would always end up on the gift & card!

*I’d never have to wear a bra! (Although those of you with MOOBS need to seriously figure something out)

*I’d never have conflict with female family members because my wife or girlfriend would handle it for me!

*I’d never have to multi-task simply because I COULDN’T.

*I’d get to say, “This is the way I was when you met me” all day long!

*I’d get to constantly fondle my junk!

But despite my ta-tas, other female parts and my OCCASIONAL meltdown, I still say I’m more of a MAN at heart.

Well, at least until Matt reads this and completely blows my cover!

xoxo 

 

 

 

 

Tagged as: 60 Minutes, Barry Manilow, Billy Joel, Bulls, Candle in the Wind, chick, Copacabana, Elton John, GNO's, Heidi Klum, Man I feel like a woman, Mandy, March Madness, Matt, Shania, Vegas