People that know me well will tell you that I’m not a scaredy cat by nature. That I laugh in the face of danger! Okay, so maybe I don’t laugh at it, but I will snicker at it occasionally.
But I must admit there are a few things that strike fear in my heart. Things that are so horrible that I get a shiver down my spine just thinking of them. Things like bad bikini waxes and colon cleanses. Or the thought of Britney and K-Fed getting back together. Or something else that I experienced this weekend and lived to blog about.
Potty Training.
Okay, so maybe I’m being slightly melodramatic. After all, my daughter figured it out in three hours flat. We were shopping at Target and getting our nails painted by 3pm! But this time around, we weren’t dealing with a sweet, people-pleasing little girl. We were dealing with a dick. Well, um, I mean a penis. Well, what I really mean is that he has a penis. And I was tasked this weekend with showing that stubborn little boy what to do with it.
After this experience, I’m shaking my head at the assumption that men are supposed to be the superior gender. Whoever said that has obviously never potty trained one! I’m definitely voting for Hilary next time.
And while I’m happy to report that things seem to be going well after an incredibly rocky start,(who knew that they were supposed to sit down on the potty? Sorry! I’ve only seen it done standing up!) I thought I would share some pearls of wisdom that came to me in the past 48 hours.
Liz’s Potty Pearls of wisdom
1. Take the time to give proper names to anatomy so that your daughter doesn’t keep telling your son to push his “vagina stick” down so he doesn’t pee all over the floor.
2. Okay, so the first time he took a dump in his Hulk underwear I thought he just didn’t get it. The second time I questioned my potty game plan. The third time, I realized he was just f*cking with me. Typical man!
3. Don’t go out drinking the night before, no matter how much fun that harbor cruise sounds. Keeping your gag reflex in check is a lot harder with a hangover. (See number 2.)
4. I know I already mentioned this, but it must be said again: Why doesn’t anyone tell you about the whole sitting down thing? And watching him shove his penis down like a bag of weed he’s trying to hide? I’ll never be the same again.
5. What? He’s just asked me to leave the bathroom so he could have his “privacy”? Is this same kid that peed on his bike two hours ago? I see that like most men, it didn’t take him too long to get “cocky”. (pun intended.)
xoxo Liz
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When my daughter (2) first saw her male cousin (3)doing the biz, she said “that’s a funny wee,” and laughed and he laughed (quite literally, pissing himself). Two kids looking at a stream of willie wee, in fits of giggles. THAT started me off (not weeing, laughing).
Becky, I was totally LOL when I read your comment! I would put Shane on the potty, he would sit for ten minutes, not go and then walk away and piss himself within thirty seconds! Unbelievable!
Liz Fenton—sorry about taking you out and getting you tipsy! I figured it was a good reprieve but forgot about the Sat morning turd alert you’d be dealing with (we slept til 930 (insert snicker))
As I shared with you, we ARE the inferior species from a parental point of view. But tell Shane I’m proud of him–he’s already learned how to use his junk to alienate, confuse, and ultimately piss off women; welcome to the club little man!
This post was so funny I laughed aloud. Anthony then asked, “What is so funny?” as I tried to figure out how to explain to a 14 year old that I was laughing about a vagina stick!! Let Riley know per Oprah… we are not to call it a vagina it is a vulva… so vulva stick is actually more proper.
Gerry, that is too funny! And vulva? Really? Do you think that’s what she calls it when she’s with Stedman? ewwww…That brings to mind a very disturbing visual!
Matt, I knew you’d be proud of Shane’s ability to use his penis to upset me. And I’m not sure, but I think it was your plan all along to have me hungover on Saturday…did I see you slip a roofie in my wine? Or did you mess up and accidentally slip it in Lisa’s? Because she was OUT after that third glass….what a lightweight!
As a potty pro, I’ve seen it all, or almost. Every kid is different and you just gotta find the X Factor. Is it a treat or a toy reward, or is it the hold out, “No________ until you potty in the toilet.” As an adult you have to out smart the kid, no one said it was easy to think like a 2 year old but hey, I went to school for that.((Really)) Here are some tips, in case anyone needs um. Find the X Factor and twist it to your advantage, and do not relent. Make potty time #1, every 10-20 minutes, and have them sit as long as possible. Get an egg timer and set it as soon as they get up to remind YOU to send them again. And if they don’t go set the time for a shorter time (10-15 minutes), after they actually GO set it for longer (20-30 minutes), adjust their times as they get better at holding it. No potty quickies, the only quickie should be a result of them doing the biz, and no flushing or T-P until the biz has taken place, then cheer and clap as whatever biz they did goes to visit Nemo, (or insert whatever water related character your kid likes, sounds gross, but hey, you’re not 2)
If your kid loves to be busy, and just can’t take the time out of their schedule to make it to the potty, then the slow down factor might work for you. As a 2 year old, if your kid can take off clothes then they can and should learn to put them on. They need to learn to be responsible for their bodies and learn how to take care of it. Once the kid has wet themselves, find a spot; the dry bathtub, on the floor on an old towel, or even spread out a hefty bag to let/make them take off the yucky clothes. This is what they do at school to teach the consequences. Hey it’s a hassle, but they are bothered and frustrated and want to get back to playing, so they soon learn that it’s much easier to just go on the potty instead of having to spend 20-40 minutes of precious play time changing themselves. After they get the wet clothes off, give them wipes or a washcloth to clean themselves, then put them on the potty for the standard potty time (even though they already went in the underwear, boring……) Then they have to get dressed by themselves, YES, by themselves. They can do it, it takes practice and you have to lay the clothing out flat for them so they can learn how to pull it on, of course if they need a little help tugging the undies over the bum or buttoning, ect… help, but do NOT do it for them. You can give them a sense of accomplishment, and power over their bodies, (and it’s also less work for you, just get a book or a magazine and “supervise”, offering VERBAL guidance). Then after potty training it’s a snap for them to dress themselves in the morning and for bed.
Miss Trice (over 100 trained)
P.S. No one ever made it to college and weren’t potty trained, so at the worst it could take 16 years ;)
Patrice, I can attest that your methods work! xoxo
Love this! I laughed VERY hard reading this and have also taken copious notes from Miss Trice!
Thanks Thea! And yes, Miss Trice doesn’t F around! That beyotch know how to get the job done!
Thank you for tips!! The X Factor is sooooo true. Ashton, my 2 1/2 year old son tinkles on cheerios. When he won’t go, I tell him that I will go on them instead. This upsets him, and he says, “My cheerios!!”
How do I hire Patrice to train my two year old? Very funny, I started the introduction of the potty awhile back and she used, accomplished it and has moved on to bigger things. Like using the potty basin as a hat.
Anne, I will totally have to try the Cheerios thing! And I think I will switch him to standing soon, the whole sitting down thing freaks me out! xoxo
Carrie, the kids know that when Patrice is around that they aren’t going to get away with shit. And I’m always on my best Mommy behavior too so I can avoid her look of silent judgment But you can hire her if you like, she would drive up! And seriously, she is the best babysitter ever…she does pre-k prepwork with Riley, cuts the kids hair and cooks better than me. She even trims the palms in my backyard sometimes! Seriously!
I hear you, sister — I’ve got THREE boys. Two are potty trained, but God help me, it took forever with the first one. I bribed, encouraged, threatened… in short, did everything they tell you not to. The worst part came when I was talking to my son calmly and nicely about trying to tell me when he had to use the potty, and he agreed and promised to do so, and then I looked down and saw he was tinkling ON THE CHAIR!!!
Now I’m just trying to get them to learn the whole “toilet seat down” concept. It’s going about as well as you’d expect.
Sarah, you crack me up! Three boys? My God woman, you deserve a medal. I sent my little guy off the preschool this morning and crossed my fingers that he can make it through the day! xoxo