I’m currently on an exhaustive, fattening, frustrating, yet joyful adventure, otherwise known as the family vacation.
I’ve actually started to relax a bit, although it was hard at first. Upon arriving, I realized that although I had managed to fit the entire contents of my house into my minivan, I had forgotten tone crucial thing.
The kid’s bathing suits!
It’s hard to break the news to toddlers that although Mommy packed fourteen pairs of flip flops and 30 DVDs for a seven day trip, she couldn’t be b0thered to pack a bathing suit for the pool. *cue angry crying*
But don’t fret. Although Lisa talks a lot of shit about my close relationship with Raj, my Mailboxes Etc guy, he really came through. One frantic call to him at 6pm and those suits were sitting on my doorstep early the next morning. I’m not quite sure who he had to blow to get them here but I’m not complaining!
So now that the swimwear had arrived, we were ready for eight-hour days at the pool. And I must say, my fellow vacationers are quite entertaining. Especially after a few Pina Coladas.
So I’ve made a list of a few favorites that have caught my attention.
1. The Inappropriate Uncle I wanted to give you a pass because you told me you liked my bathing suit when I walked up. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that you made out with your trashy girlfriend on the next chaise over and were taking kamikaze shots while you were supposed to be watching your 6 year-old nephew.
2. The Creepy Grandpa Um, if you think I’m going to let you take my four-year old over the bar to get a smoothie after we chatted for five minutes, you’re smoking crack! She is way too young for her first roofie.
3. The Hot Bitch Okay, Hot bitch. I just want to go on record to say that I don’t think you actually gave birth to that baby you’re holding. Your body is smokin’ and there’s not a stretch mark in site. And you’re even drinking DARK beer! Why do you have to be so cruel?
4. The Looker Upper Downer Please stop. You keep making me look down to make sure I’m waxed in all the right places and that my boob hasn’t popped out. I’ve tried to convince myself that you are looking me up and down because I’m so fabulous but I think we both know better.
5. The Splash-me-nots I’m sorry that you thought you were making a smart decision by moving over to that “small pool in the corner” to get away from the drunk coeds. Because if you hate loud noise and don’t want to get splashed, you’ve just entered Hell, otherwise known as the toddler pool.
6. Social Butterfly, Pool Edition Yep, that’s me! Just can’t help myself. Move away quickly if you don’t want to talk. Especially after my second Pina Colada.
7. The “It takes a Village” couple The fact that I’m actually sitting in the water watching my kids does not mean I’ve become your pool nanny. How many times to I have to save your 18 month-old from drowning in a foot of water before you get your ass in the pool?
8. The Chatty Grandma Please stop talking about the sensual 90 minute massage you got from a man named Hans this morning. It’s too much, even for a social butterfly like myself.
9. The Judgey McJudgersons Yes, I’m aware my daughter looks red. Yes, I’ve applied sunscreen in the last 90 minutes. And no, I don’t want to borrow that lame-ass UV protective hat your kid is wearing!
10. The Bully Your daughter just bitchslapped my son and took his floatie and you’re not going to say a thing? It’s on whorebag!
xoxo
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Oh my flippin’ garsh…I am laughing my ass off (I wish)…these descriptions are so spot-on! Haven’t we all talked through this on our people-watching exploits (maybe not as great as you have, but…) HA!
…I don’t know if you guys accept “awards” or not, but I’ve left one on my blog for you (cuz I like ya)!
Girlichef, Thanks!!!! We like you too!
After the first day out at the pool, I felt like there was just too much to remember. So I actually nerded out and brought my journal the next day so I wouldn’t forget… So I’m sure somewhere out in blogosphere, someone is bitching about “journal mom”. xoxo
I am so glad I am not alone in my people watching…. it is so much dang fun! Love it that you can write about it! Yall are awesome!
You are like Tina Fey. So freaking funny!! Love it.
LMAO! Love it! I’m sad to say that I’m also the Social Butterfly. Get a cocktail or a coffee in me, and I’m talking to anyone, anywhere. I don’t feel so bad now for hating the Hot Bitch and Looker Upper. I’ll be thinking of you when we hit San Diego with the Itos this summer :)
Can I get Hans’ phone number from Grandma? And maybe a roofie from Creepy Grandpa?
Thanks Heather! And for me, people watching is a part-time job. I could sit in an airport all day and just eat up all the interaction with a spoon! xoxo
Thanks Crystal! I definitely identify with Liz Lemon! She’s my girl.
Thea, I was totally thinking about your trip after I wrote this. I can’t wait to hear what beyotches turn up at your pool!
Sarah, I broke into Grandpa’s fanny pack when he wasn’t looking and stole his bag of child-luring candy and some roofies. Let’s party!=)
Liz– You’re hilarious! But first, Pina Coladas, REALLY??? She who won’t drink any calories–EVUH!?! She who won’t even look at a Jamba Juice?
As a HUGE fan of people watching (I know the Westin pool will not disappoint this week) I’m now double excited to see what stories my trip to Maui will bring (there’s a stand up paddle boarding lesson in my future as well!). And as I’m going with my beloved “Social B”, I have no doubt our pool side (and bar side, beach side, surf lesson side, any side) chats will make for lively blog post fodder ;)
From your list, my personal favs are: Chatty grandma– thinking about wrinkly skin and hot stones is hilarious; It takes a village couple– I’ve had more than one experience with this! WTF? and The Social Butterfly: Pool Edition– b/c that’s how Matt rolls too. I’ll try to bury my nose deep in a book, but inevitably, we’re hearing the life story of some Cougar (Matt has a way of attracting them)…Come to think of it, it’s always a coug that we’re chatting with?!. I suppose I”ll just have to flap my own wings and attract some hot cabana boy to compete!!
xoxo
Lisa, when on vacay, I sometimes bend the rules a bit on my “will not drink calories at any time for any reason” policy. And for some reason I don’t feel like I”m on vacation until I’ve had a Pina Colada. It was always my little secret until today…
And yes, I can totally see your man Matt chattin up the cougs in Maui. Hell, I bet he’ll chat up the cabana boy too…he’s a true Social Butterfly!
Okay, Liz…
I actually got a cramp in my side from laughing. I think I know “It-Takes-A-Village” Couple…lol. Well, no, that’s a lie. I’ve never met them, but I know their kids…
I won’t deny it but Cougars need and attention too–especially those on vacation. Hell, that’s WHY they are on vacation so who am I to allow them a disappointing experience!
As for my traveling companion–she is a new addition to your list. The umbrella chair snob. First in line for just the right spot. Nevermind that you want to workout, we must get down to Greta the umbrella chaise bitch so I don’t have to deal with bad sun angles at midday!
Matt– In my defense, it’s less about being a snob *cough* and more about being fair-skinned!
PS: If I do recall, you and Greta had quite a thing going! So, I don’t think it was that “stressful” for you to forgo a work out or two ;)
Liz–I’m not sure if his wings flap in both directions if you catch my drift! But I’m sure a cabana boy who plays for the other team might hope so!!
xoxo
PS: Now I’m craving an f***ing Pina Colada!
Endless laughter Liz! A wise friend once told me that when you’re away with kids it’s no longer a “vacation” but a “trip”. When you become a parent vacations are a thing of the past, along with sleeping in and endless couch sessions of HGTV. Although, I think any one on a trip with you could parlay it in to a quasi- vacation. p.s. – I told Darton last night during the kids bath time I would be a much better mom if he would bring me a vodka/cran. Ask and you shall receive!! That is why I love my man :)
Jenny, All I know is that I felt like a better mom after a cold beer at the Benihana-knockoff we were at! Although MF may disagree…
Steinkers, you know you’re going to have one the minute you get to Maui. You’ll probably still be wearing your lei!!!! so cliche! And btw, us Social Butterflies don’t care which side the attention is coming from, we just want some!
Lisa, Thanks! I had a feeling you knew the kind of people I was talking about! xoxo
Matt, are you going to bring your Cougar cologne?
Liz– Yes, I will still be wearing my lei. I’m cliche that way. So hey!
Steinks, if you are going to be that way and wear your cliche lei, then that’s all I have to say!
Liz, this is so dead on with how I feel on our family “Trips”, no longer a vacation. We were in Palm Desert(near you at the Marriot Villas) for a week at Thanksgiving and I was laughing so hard over here at all your comments!!!! You need to become a comedian! Hilarious! So I have to ask, how are the kids sleeping? Is Shane in a bed now? We are off to Maui in two months for another “trip” and I am stressing about the sleeping arrangements with Lyla (she can climb out of a crib). Anyway, enough rambling from me. Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip. :) Thanks again for all the laughs!!!
Patricia!!! Thanks, we are at the Mariott Villas too so I know you are feelin’ what I’m talking about with the pool! The kids are sleeping well, but Mike and I each sleep with one of them in a bed. Yes, that’s right. I’ve actually reached the point in my life where I don’t even get to share a bed with my husband on vacation!!! But when we put the kids together they literally ended up on top of each other in the middle of the night so it seemed the only solution where we actually got to sleep through the night.
Don’t stress about Maui, I’m sure you may get, like, five minutes or so to yourself!=)
Anyway, I’m glad you liked the post! I had fun writing it. xoxo
I always give the “It takes a village” people one free kid-near-drowning pass per poolside session. This is because I watch my kids like a hawk only to have looked up to see the wrong end of my son facing the sky in the kiddie pool more times than I am comfortable admitting. But two near drownings in one poolside session gets you in this group in my book. As far as creepy Grandpa…I am not sure the invite to the smoothie bar with my daughter would have occurred if I was still in the area instead of in the room while my son took a nap. You better watch it Grandpa! Nice recap on the poolside crowd. I loved it!