Well, it’s Bachelorette finale time again. That special day when two people who hardly know each other become engaged after a whirlwind romance consisting of dream dates, fantasy suites and plenty of drama!
And think about it. How can a relationship not work out after you’ve zip-lined together? Or biked down a cobblestone street in Spain? Or jumped off a chartered yacht while holding hands in Hawaii? These are the activities that build a strong foundation for the future! And nothing says trust like feverishly competing with thirty other men for your woman’s affections.
I mean, clearly, ABC wants to make sure these relationships are built to last, right?
Riiiigggghhhht.
But Bachelorette lovers, don’t worry. I’m not hatin’. Just like you, I’ve had a date with my girl Jillian every Monday night at 8pm all summer. I cringed when Tanner inappropriately talked about her feet and when Dave became an Angry Santa and threatened to “beat Juan’s ass”. I gasped when Sasha was sent home on a city bus (worst walk of shame-EVUH!) and laughed at the irony of a man named ED having E-D issues on national television.
I screamed at the TV as Jillian continued to be blinded by Wes’s douchebagness and cheered when Jake tattle-tailed that he had a girlfriend. And because of that act of chivalry, I gave Jake’s high-waisted pants and crying-over-the-railing incident a pass. I even participated in some angry tweeting when I discovered Wes was on Twitter! (You can too by clicking here! And you can follow Liz and Lisa by clicking here.)
Wes. As much as I hated to admit it, I found myself relating to Jillian’s reluctance to let him go. Admit it. ladies, we’ve all dated our fair share of guys like Wes. Classic bad boy. The kind of guy makes you crazy, in a throwing rocks at his window, blocked caller ID sort of way.
And while I was excited when she finally kicked him to the curb (I think his rose ceremony outfit may have sealed the deal, wtf?), Liz circa 1989-1998 understood exactly why she had so much trouble letting him go. But the good news for me was that all my douchebag-loving-gone-wrong experiences had not been televised.
Although I must say that would have been Must-See TV!
Like Jillian, I finally kicked my bad boy habit to the curb many years ago and switched to Team Nice Guy.(Thank you, Mike Fenton!) And in honor of her seeing the light, I’ve composed a list of other men like Wes that my friends and I have encountered over the years. I like to call it…
Douche-o-rama, 90′s edition.
THE LEAD SINGER
Ladies, let’s face it. A man’s ability to sing or play an instrument makes him hot. (How else would Steven Tyler EVER get laid?) In fact, it’s probably what sends thousands of average-looking boys to guitar lessons each year. And even though I already knew that Wes was trouble, my heart STILL melted a little when he serenaded Jillian. But the only problem is that he was probably singing “It Don’t Take That Long” to a different girl each night. My advice is to put on your earplugs and kick this one to the curb, ASAP!
THE STAR CROSSED LOVER
Yes, I know it seems romantic that your friends and family have told you he’s no good for you so you have to sneak around to see him. But you know what’s not so romantic? Text stalking. (AKA “pager stalking” in the 1990′s. It’s amazing how many words you can spell with upside-down numbers!) Maybe it’s time to put the “talk” back in “stalking”.
THE CRAZY GUY
Ugh. The crazy guy. Why do we always want to “fix” him? It’s like picking out some angry dog at the pound that bites you and pees all over your furniture. But the challenge of reforming a crazy guy is always too tempting for some of us. Just think, you could be the ONE he changes his ways for! Not.
THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO BE MORE FRIENDLY WITH
This was my M.O. back in the day. Become friends, start to crush, hook up one drunken night and then proceed to have the most dysfunctional friendship EVUH. Note to self: When your “friend” is asking for your advice on how to get the attention of your friend, HE IS NOT INTERESTED! And going all “fifth grade” on him and writing a seven page love letter confessing your true feelings is not going to help things. Trust me on this one-never leave any evidence of your desperado behavior!
MR. PERFECTO
Dating a guy that owns a beach house, a plane and got a perfect score on his SATs does sound pretty killer. Hmm…except for his video game obssesion, which kinda creeps you out. Oh, and also the fact that he makes you so crazy you threw rocks at his window at 2am when he didn’t call you back. And when he finally let you in, you slept on the edge of his bed like a naughty dog. Time to say GAME OVER.
Tell us about your Douch-o-rama!
xoxo, Liz
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Well…I’m not prepared to admit which (or all) of these douche bags I’ve had the privilege of dating or which(or all) of the events might have involved me…but I will say that I’m very, very happy that I FINALLY escaped from Douchebagville, USA (I know you were worried!) and can sit back and watch someone else (Jillian) spend some time there. I must say, I empathize with her a lot. For a long time, I had the same problem she did–always wanting the bad boy or the commitment-phobe boy…so I find myself hoping that she really ends up with a good guy in the end…like I did. awwwww.
Yes, Lisa, as you are well aware, I was Mayor of Douchebagville, USA until I wised up and married my gentle giant. And watching Jillian every week is like stepping into a time machine! ugh.
Liz–You made a great Mayor! At least you were in charge ;)
BTW–Love your gentle giant. So not douchey at all! Yeah for MF!
Your intro cracked me up, Liz! I have never watched Bachelorette (this season or otherwise), so when I saw the commercial for the finale last night, I was thinking the *exact* same thing! And then, wondering, “Do they *really* get married??! They don’t even know each other!”
So yeah, great minds… ;)
Okay, this is hard to admit but here goes….
My name is Crystal and I have dated a douchebag (almost married one, in fact, but thank goodness I met my true love.) In the spirit of purging your douchebag history, here goes. My douchebag:
- told me he was an artist, had lovely sketches of beautiful women everywhere. told me he knew these women. I was a bit jealous, but blinded by his talent and the thought that he was like Olivier Martinez (the hot artist guy in Unfaithful with Diane Lane and Lisa’s Silver Fox Richard Gere) Until I found all the magazine covers of these beautiful women he “knew” in the trunk of his car. I think he might have traced them…
- I came home to our college apartment and found him piercing his c#@*k with one of my favorite earrings. eeeww.
- I let him take my car home for the weekend so he could see his sick brother (a six hour road trip) only to discover it was a bachelor party. Forgave him when he got back and put post-it notes all over our apartment that said I’m sorry (sweet, but still a douchebag)
- He used to sleep with an ax under his side of the bed. I’ve never understood this one. But it made for a funny short story I wrote called “The Ax Boyfriend.”
- I could go on …and on…. freakin’ douchebag.
Great writing, great read!! Enjoy all of your quips about Bachelorette! Can’t wait to watch it tonight!
Thanks Amy! And only one couple from all the seasons has ever actually got married…Gee I can’t understand why?
Wow Crystal, I think you have just earned yourself a place in the city council of Douchebagville, USA!
And seriously, any man who delivers any sort of relationship message on a post-it should be kicked to the curb. Did we learn nothing from Sex in the City?
Thanks Jill! I can’t wait either! xoxo
Oh ladies, stand aside.
While we were dating, the dirtbag I knew secretly joined a $10k matchmaking service without telling anyone. He was matched with someone within 2 weeks, they dated casually and privately for 2 weeks, then he whisked her off to Italy –without mentioning the trip to me until the day before his departure– where he proposed and she accepted. To announce his engagement, he didn’t have the balls to tell me to my face — he made someone else tell me, and when he didn’t hear anything from me for a few days, actually had the balls to say, “So I guess you’ve heard my news.” Oh, yes he did. Did I mention we WORKED TOGETHER?? And it gets better. He owned the company and I was an employee. This is the honest-to-God truth. No, I didn’t sue; I waged a far more damaging PR campaign and exposed him as the douch he really was, and remains. Priceless. I was a naive idiot, but I have the makings of a great novel here.
Tiffaney!
Wow! That is CRAZY! I’m officially crowning you Queen of douchebagville. You deserve it! And two questions: Did he end up marrying her? And do you still work there?
Thanks for stopping by, happy to have you here! xoxo, Liz
I will wear my crown with…er…pride? Heh. Yep, I quit within 2 days (to make him sweat that an impending lawsuit was in his future). They’re still married and have 2 kids, and she’s a piece of work herself. She definitely got the better end of the deal and karma will prove to be a major bitch on crack. ;)
P.S. Love the site and love you two girls!
Wow, Tiffaney, wear that crown baby! You deserve it. A sash too. Even one of those things she holds…the staff?
Thank you for your compliments about the site and for your comments! Keep ‘em coming!
xo Lisa
Jill– be on the look out for our next blog post after tonight’s “Bachelorette Special” :)
Crystal…wow… I guess we all have a lot of douchebag skeletons, don’t we? Maybe we should sit around a camp fire at Halloween and tell our stories of the ghosts of douchebags past! Jeeeeeeeze! I commend you for all you’ve been through, my friend! xoxo, Lisa
Tiffaney,
I love the visual of their karma being a crackho! We love you too! xoxo
Ok, Ok… my “highschool sweetheart” (alert! alert!) was an athlete, student’s council, honour roll golden boy who dabbled in poems and artword. He even did some local modelling. Sounds good so far, you say. He was still a virgin at eighteen(how sweet) and I was not (‘nuf said). He went off to university and gave it up to the girl in the next dorm room – to even the score sheet, I was told LATER, much later. When finally we made sweet three-minute love on his twin bed opposite sleeping roomate (gag) he gave the best gift a girl can get… a disease! That was how I found out about the girl behind door #2, the one he’d been pushing me to befriend.
Ta da!
Karla, omg, that is very douchey! Damn fake virgins!!!! And I love that he wanted the two girls to be friends! Was he trying to butter you up for a threesome or something?
Liz, eww, no!
Regrettably I fell into the TSTL category and later married said apologetic, smooth-talking douchebag… it didn’t get any better, shockingly.
I did eventually dump his douchey (and then overweight) ass and move on with a hot young thing from the gym.
Hot young thing was only four years my junior, not quite cougar-bait, but it sure did piss off the ex!
Karla,
Wow! Well I’m glad you finally kicked him to the curb! xoxo
I know I am late to the party here but I have to get this off my chest. I HATE Wes and all those like him in the world! He makes me want to punch the TV right where his face is on the screen! What an A-Hole! Nice work on the Bachelorette coverage though. I am happy you married the anti-Wes.
MF,
Your hating of Wes just makes me love you even more!
xoxo