Not on my watch, Beyotch! -Liz Lemon
I was watching 30 Rock last season when my hero, Liz Lemon, uttered what I was sure would become my new catchphrase. And after laughing so hard I snorted, I immediately grabbed my journal and wrote these five glorious words: NOT ON MY WATCH, BEYOTCH! I then declared to my husband that I was determined to say it at least five times the next day. At the time, he just laughed and shook his head, probably just hoping and praying I wouldn’t be saying it to him!
So, the next day, I ran out into the world, anxious to find a situation to unleash my new favorite phrase. Until… I forgot. Like my daily resolve to log all my Weight Watcher points and to say the word “Fudge” rather than “F*ck”, it was forgotten faster than you say Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was perusing my journal, desperately looking for some blog inspiration when I came across this rhyming, cursing, genius phrase I wrote down over four months ago. And I fell in love all over again. Because it just so happens that for me, Rhyming + Cursing= Love.
So I resolved right then and there to use it five times. And as I set out into the world the next morning, ready to lay the best line EVUH on some unsuspecting clerk/friend/client/teacher, I remembered one important thing:
I am a total, utterly hopeless, people-pleasing ass kisser. Or as my more vulgar friends would say, a total p*ssy.
Hmmm…so what to do? Well, I’ll have you know I did what any self-respecting brown-noser would do. I thought it in my head and then ran out and wrote it in my journal.
But if I had the balls to actually say it, it would have been AWESOME. And here’s where I would have casually inserted it into conversation…
- What? You think you can just cut in front of me in the express lane at Target? With TWELVE items in your basket? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
- Seriously Lisa? You don’t “really care” if we drink at your bachelorette party in January? You just want to “relax” and “enjoy” everyone’s company? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH! (MAID OF HONOR EDITION)
- Really Loehmanns? You won’t take back the overpriced Coach wannabe Uggs that I bought on a whim before I remembered the temperature only drops below 65 degrees one week a year in So Cal? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
- Come on, 22 year old server at Benihana knockoff, you could at least ask for my ID when your sign says you card everyone that looks under forty. So. Not. Cool. And I didn’t appreciate your eye roll when I pulled it out anyway! NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
Come on, promise you’ll use it in conversation tomorrow. Or better yet, tell us where you wish you had used it! The two best NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH situations will win a signed copy of I’LL HAVE WHO SHE’S HAVING!
xoxo,
Liz
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“30 Rock” is one of my favorite songs. And while I don’t utter this catch phrase, I do run around saying, “That guy can eat my poo!” (From the “MILF Island” episode in Season 2), calling alcohol “hillbilly milk” (I *heart* Kenneth), and randomly yelling, “I am illiterate, Liz Lemon!” Oh, and let’s not forget my random outbursts of song about donating kidneys. In fact, I only watched the end of Season 3 because I *heart* Alan Alda. Then over the summer I caught up on seasons 1 & 2, which solidified “30 Rock” as one of my most favoritest, can’t-miss shows! Plus, someone is getting Seasons 1 + 2 for Christmas–maybe my best friend, maybe me [I'm trying to hock 'em off on my mom so I can get what I want and she'll reimburse me $40]. As soon as there’s a good Season 3 sale, you better believe that suckah is MINE!
Liz–I have five words to say to you about my bachelorette party!
NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
xoxo
1) Really Office Troll? Just because it’s a designer label doesn’t it’s okay to step on the sheepish intern’s foot and dig in. NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOOOOTCH!
2) Is it a fashion crime to go up a size? No need to give me a once over while I’m in the changing room Ms. I Ate An Entire Carrot Today and shout out “I need a bigger SIZE, corset and spanx stat” over the P.A. system. Not on my watch BEYOTCH!
3) For real Forrest Tree? You are going to slide into the short girl section at a standing room only show infront of me and video tape the entire show I’ve been waiting to see for two decades, so my perfect view now became limited with your camera strap in it? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!!!! oh was that my 3 inch platform heels on your foot? oopssssss.
CROTCH WATCH—BEYOTCH!….Ok I’m in class, and the professor has been very clear that texting and ringing cell phones are a big NO-NO during class. So, what do you think the girl sitting diagonally (one seat up & over, right in my eye line)from me does??? She keeps sliding her phone under her crotch. Then I have to listen to her chair buzz, then she slides it out, texts away, then back it goes….over and over and over. I sooo wish I could have said something, unfortunately she’s in my group for a semester long project, and I don’t want to narc her out to the Prof because I don’t want to look like a brown nose.
Yes, mom at Pump It Up dressed in designer jeans, wearing super cute wellies, chatting loudly with your friends who are also decked out in adorable and high end fashion outfits, not seeming to notice as your kids pushes my kid down the jumper, even your kids MUST. WEAR. SOCKS. NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
Girls, I’m LOVING all your NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH situations! LOL! xoxo
I can’t believe I called “30 Rock” a song and not a show. I’m so lame.
Early evening, so nobody can be too sloshed. I cruise over to the ladies room, which happens to be two separate rooms. Chick behind me asks “Is this the line.” My response in charming southern accent “yes” (with smile). The first door opens and chick behind me ducks around the busboy to snag the first available toity. Why did you ask me if this was the line if you had no intentions of observing it. . .NOT ON MY WATCH BEYATCH!!!
Amy, Girl, we all knew what you meant! xoxo
Thanks so much to all that gave us such awesome NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH moments..I loved them all!
But the winners of I’LL HAVE WHO SHE’S HAVING are…
COLLEEN AND MICHELLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woot woot woot woot!
Bahahahahaha!!!!
I’ve never watched 30 rock but know all about it. That’s a great phrase that can be used in all kinds of situations.
Use it freely, and frequently!!!
Jewels Diva,
So glad you like! I’m working up the balls to use it this weekend at a family wedding! xoxo
Love it! I’m a huge Liz Lemon fan, so this post rocks, Beyotches!
Andrea–Thanks!