Although many may disagree, I’ve kind of always thought of myself as a low-maintenance kind of gal. Well…except for that whole “have to be punctual or I’ll kill you” thing. Or the fact that if I don’t eat every three hours I may rip off your arm and beat you over the head with it. Oh, and did I mention that I also tend to be a bit High Maintenance on my birthday too?
I’ll be the first to admit that it’s virtually impossible for the Hubs to find the perfect gift. And the fact that he has limited shopping skills isn’t helping his case at all. (I’ve always felt that I shop enough for both of us!) But the biggest problem is that if I want something, well, I usually just go buy it! (Did I mention I have impulse-control issues?)
So after many years of awkward gift opening, I have asked the Hubs, no make that begged him, to STOP buying me gifts. I mean, how many times can you fake enthusiam for household appliances?
This year, I thought we had the system down. He buys me nothing, I buy myself something fabulous, we go to dinner without the kids, I get buzzed, eat some free Lava Pie and and we all go home happy. Right?
Wrong!
Instead, I came home on my birthday to find a red velvet box on the counter with a card. And I knew from past experience that this could mean only one thing. He had snuck over to see Kim Po. Kim Po was our jeweler, and the hubs always went to him in a time of need. Kim Po could always be counted on for beautiful jewelry and astrological readings. A great combination! Where else could you get your diamond ring fixed while finding out if this is the year of the Ox? (Btw, it isn’t.)
I went over and grabbed the box off the counter and slowly opened it to reveal a beautiful sapphire pendant and chain. Wow, I thought, how beautiful! I’m sure that most women who weren’t SEVERLY ALLERGIC TO METAL would really enjoy wearing this. I’m sure it would look lovely on my neck for that one hour before I developed a NASTY WELT where the chain touched my skin. And I’m sure he wouldn’t mind when we went to dinner that night that I was blinded by my SWOLLEN EYES.
*Big sigh*
Oh, Hubs. I know he meant well. I guess the fact that I haven’t worn so much as a watch in the past year has escaped his memory. Or that the entire year before when I went to five doctors trying to figure out why I had crackwhore eyes for three days every time I wore my sassy sparkly MAC eyeshadow. I could just imagine him, panicking a few days before my birthday and running to Kim Po’s, his gift-giving safe place. So yes, part of me understood. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t pissed!
And maybe, just maybe, I acted a little bratty about it. (Don’t judge! I already told you I was HM about this shit!) But let’s just say I found a way to forgive him when he surprised me with a waterfront suite later that night. And after a few drinks at dinner, we made a pact that he will nevuh, evuh, buy me anything ever again. And he also agreed to let me share with you his top three birthday blunders…
1. A LANDLINE
It was a phone that plugged into the wall. For our bedroom. For our first Christmas together after we got married. Need I say more? I made note to never again complain about any household appliance within two months of my birthday or Christmas.
2. A THREE HOUR TOUR
Welcome to your wonderful getaway to…CATALINA! Now for those of you unfamiliar with this tiny island off the California coast, let me just tell you that it could quite possibly be the most boring place on earth. None of the “motels”(yep, MOTELS!) even have pools. Or spas. Or room service. Has this man not been paying attention for the past ten years? I am the. Biggest. Travel. Snob. EVUH!
3. GIFT CARDS
Public service announcement: Dudes, Don’t ever get your wife gift cards. Just don’t. And if you do, don’t buy the same one for every birthday and Christmas gift for three years. Your wife may begin to think you lack imagination…
After reading that, it’s probably clear why my poor Hubs threw in the towel on a high maintenance birthday beyotch like myself. And that’s okay. Because he gives me the best gift every single day that doesn’t cost a thing…his love, support and respect! Love you Hubs! xoxo
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Happy birthday, Liz!! Sounds like it was a wonderful one, after all… (In our family, I’m the bad gift-giver. My husband always gets me cool stuff, but one year I gave him picture frames. Hey, they were on sale!)
Sarah! You’re the bad one? No, say it ain’t so! But I have gone the picture route before too in desperation, he just didn’t mind because he’s not all HM about it like me! xoxo
Love it … especially b/c I know you guys and have been around for some of these. But I must say that I LOVE gift cards. Is this b/c I don’t have a job? Buy me a gift card to Ann Taylor Loft, H&M, Macy’s and I am a happy woman. Just make sure it has a least $50 on it!!!
Kenan,
Thanks! And to clarify, I actually LOVE gift cards, just not from the hubs. He burned me out on those spa ones that would take me like six months to actually find time to use! And no, I don’t think you like them because you are at home with the kids (which, btw is a job, a VERY hard job!) I think you just are nicer about it than me! haha. But in my defense, I always him pretty rad gifts, right? right! xoxo
Since Sean and I got married I always have to give him a list. Channel purses to the new Iphone, he chooses a few and I’m always pleased. Our anniversary, Xmas and my birthday are all within 3 months of each other. Honestly, I can buy those things anytime and I love to shop, what I really want is flowers delivered to me at work so they can sit on my desk.
ok, my wife’s B-day is in 2 weeks… what to do what to do???
Liz,
For Christmas last year, Matt and I imposed a $20 limit. This forced us to be creative but also erased any chance of disappointment. And whose idea do you think it was? (Um, yeah, mine! I’d seen you suffer through way too many electronic mishaps.) When you know the price point, your expectation is miraculously low. And for my birthday, he consulted you! (He learned quickly and fast how to handle the whole gift giving thing with me. Talk. To. Liz. ) I’m happy that you and MF have reached an agreement that works for you. Although, selfishly, I must say, I’m kind of sad there won’t be the fantastic story next year! xoxoxo
You know you’ve reached an all time low when a blog is posted about your poor gift giving. I’ll take it like a man. You should be happy that I have continued to try. Atleast it shows I still care, right?!?!? I think I have found a book idea for me. The Men’s Guide To Gift Giving (Do’s and Don’ts). It will be a best seller!
Yes that’s right Liz! I must agree with you! But again, I LOVE gift cards. Did I already say that? And I actually don’t mind Brian giving them to me. I’d rather that than something hideous that I’ll have to take the time to return anyhow?!
Mike (aka Hubs)
I know I make it very stressful for you, sorry! But in my defense, you knew what you were getting into when you married me! Love you! xoxo
Great post Liz! Bro, seriously, I’m just a phone call away, I can guide you through Coach, Tiffany and Louis V. over the phone any time
Give a sister a chance! Liz, I think deep down we’re all high maintenance, you just put it out there g-friend, cheers. I must admit I was feelin for Mike until the end when you threw out the good time ending, whatever robot, I’m beginning to think that’s just a myth.
xoxo,
Jenny
Oh Jenny,
You know I always pull out a little somethin’ somethin’ at the end for my MF. And every good robot gets a quart of oil now and then…
Liz, I love this post! You are so honest and so tell-it-like-it-is!
I agree, aren’t we all a little difficult to buy for though? Men are so lost when it comes to buying gifts for their loved ones, especially when we go out and buy whatever it is we want anyway. Your hubby sounds so much like John, relying on the jeweler in hopes of finding the perfect gift. I have to say though it worked last anniversary, he surprised me at the top of the Eiffel Tower (and no, not in Vegas, in Paris) with a 3 stone diamond pendant. It was off the chizzle goregous!!! Love it! Major points with him…haha…they do well with gifts every once in a blue moon, right? 
Thanks for the laughs girl! You rock! XOXO
I have made Mike promise the same thing. His go to gift has been flowers, nice thought, but especially when he was deployed I viewed flowers as one more chore for me to take care of! I told him to save the $50 he spent on flowers sand put an extra $25 in our community bank acct instead and send me an email telling me to go get a pedicure! We are both so much happier now!
Patricia, Thanks! And wow, your trip to France sounds amazing! And I’d even settle for the Vegas Paris too! I love Vegas! haha. xoxoxo
Omg, Heather, I feel the same way about flowers, especially since I don’t have an office for them to be delivered to! A good mani/pedi goes a long way! xoxo