Most parents dread the day they have to explain the concept of death to their children. That they’ll have to shatter their belief that we’ll all be here forever. And while some people like to go with Honey, we sent Daisy the dog to live with another family when their animals pass, I’ve always been more of a realist.
When Goofy the guinea pig inexplicably dropped dead last year, I gave it to my five- year-old straight. And what else could I do, considering the fact that we had found her lifeless body together? She was pretty upset, but after a proper burial, impromptu memorial service in the backyard and a brand new guinea the next week, she seemed to move on pretty quickly. *big sigh of relief*
But when our beloved German Shepard, Jordan, collapsed late Tuesday night, explaining to a five year old that the dog she’s loved since she was born might not come home was a whole other story.
In fact, it was one of my first thoughts as I raced to the “Animal ER”. (Well, that and the fact that “Animal ER” would make a great reality show) As I waited the THREE HOURS to see Dr. McDoggy, I wondered what I’d say to the kids when she wasn’t there to lick their faces in the morning and silently prayed that she had just eaten something really, really bad. But four hours and *gasp* $1500 (WTF! Are animals eligible for universal health care too?) later, Dr. McDoggy gave me the diagnosis and it wasn’t good. Jordan had cancer.
Needless to say, it was turning into a bad night. The only bright spot? That Dr. McDoggy was damn cute. And had an accent. In fact, his only flaw was his tendency to have more dramatic pauses in his speech than Ryan Seacrest on elimination night of American Idol. It’s 4am, dude! Just spit it out!
And because I believe in being honest, I broke the news to the kids the next day. That Jordan was very sick, she may not be with us much longer, so let’s just give her all the love and enjoy every minute that she’s with us. That should do it, right?
WRONG.
*insert three hours of screaming and crying followed by thousands of uncomfortable theological questions*
But now a few days later, they seem to be getting through it. But I have to say, there is a part of me that wishes we hadn’t told them. Which begs the question: How long should we shield our kids from death?
I’ve always been the mom that told my kids that if they crossed the street without me, they would get hit by a car. Same story with the pool. Don’t go in without Mommy. Why? Because you’ll drown. And while some of my friends thought my approach was a bit, um, harsh, I always felt like it was better for them to know that if they step out in front of a moving car, the shit’s going to hit the fan.
But now, I’m not as sure. Life and death are such complex concepts that I’m not sure they grasp them. And the last thing I want is for my kids walking around being scared to death of, well, death!
Sadly, our elderly neighbor passed away this week. And after my experience with Jordan, when the kids asked me why I was buying his wife flowers last night, I just smiled and said nothing. Because I think they’ve had enough life lessons for one week.
xo, Liz
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Liz,
It’s a tough one, but I think you did the right thing by telling them to appreciate all the time they have with Jordan until she moves on. But I’m a realist too–so my opinion may not be right–but I’m someone who believes honesty is (almost) always the best policy when it comes to children (and adults- unless someone asks me if they look fat in their jeans- um, I’m probably going to just say “no”). I think you give them the news in an age-appropriate way, but you still give them the news. You’re going through a tough time- but I think you’re handling it very, very well.
PS: That picture of you and Jordan is precious. You should frame it.
PSS: We’ll all miss her. Yes, even me. Even though she always loves to lick the lotion off my legs
xoxoxoxoxox
Lisa, ha, thanks! she really does always love to lick your lotion! And does that mean you were lying when you said I didn’t look fat in my jeans?
Liz- Ha! I’m NOT talking about you (and almost put in parentheses- NOT YOU). Because, PS, you aren’t fat. In fact, you look better than ever!
She really loves licking my lotion and now I’m sad I didn’t let her do it more often. I always “shoo’d” her away. Sorry, Jordan!
Liz, so sorry to hear about your pup … that just stinks.
For what it’s worth, I would’ve done the exact same thing with my kids. I believe in letting my kids be carefree, little kids for as long as possible (Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc.). But, when it comes to death of a pet, a family member or close family friend … well, the truth is the best way to go. When I was little, I was told my kitty went to live on a farm (we were city dwellers) so she could roam & have fun. I asked about her for years … literally. I wanted to go see her, and send her treats. There was no farm … and when my mom finally fessed up, I. Was. Angry. And I was angry for a good while. I think – for the most part, especially when it involves pretty large life lessons – the truth, and being a realist is the way to go.
Sorry you and your family have to deal with all of this. Give Jordan a squeeze and a scratch from this dog lover, enjoy every minute you have with her. And when the time comes to say goodbye – and more questions come too – hang in there, knowing you & your kids all had the chance to say/do all they needed with your beloved Jordan before she passed.
Oh, and I agree, that’s a great photo of you and Jordan.
Jules–I agree that the Farm concept is NOT the way to go.
Jules, Thanks, you are so sweet! Yes, I agree with you. And I grew up with emotionally robotic family so they definetly never candy coated this kind of stuff. I’ll give Jordan an extra table scrap from you! xoxo
Honestly, I think that one can never go wrong with just being honest with children. I find that a therapeutic way to ease the pain is to not only remember the good times they shared with the individual in question, but to also create a scrapbook or something similar that pays tribute to the person or animal.
Liz, I love this post and not just because it’s about wonderful furry friends! I think the way you explained Jordan’s sitch with humor and grace is just good writing. And how you handled it with the kids is good parenting. I’m sorry to hear about Jordan and know your family will love her so much for the rest of her days–no matter how long you have left with your dog.
P.S. My shih tzu, Maddy, is also a lotion licker.
Cafe Fashionista, I know, you are right! It’s good to know that others feel the same way! =)
Amy, Thanks so much-I didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer but thought it was a good topic for Mommy Monday. As for the parenting, I’m just trying not to jack them up too much before they turn eighteen! ha! xo
So very sorry about your pup! We lost a family dog when I was just out of college and even then my parents didnt want to tell me the truth! Now having a daughter I understand the need to want to shield her little hearts for as long as possible. But you did the right thing…having to backtrack about “farms” and “vacations” makes it just so much more painful. I think if anything your kids will learn they really can trust you. Enjoy your days and take lots of cute pics like the one above- it doesn’t solve everything but its nice to have to look back on.
Thanks Erin! And it’s like Jordan knows, she’s been shameless about taking food from the kids-she knows I won’t yell at her for it anymore! =)
So sorry to hear about Jordan….Samantha lost her first pet 9our Shih tzu, Kato) last summer…he was 15 and I had waited until Samantha was 10 to get her a dog so she was old enough to understand….we did the whole Marley and Me thing and were with him all the way..it was hard but I am so glad we did it..so I definitely believe in being honest and facing it together as a family..my parents did that with us when we lost 2 dogs and several cats when I was growing up (in those days you could bury your pets in your yard if you were outside the city limits…so we had little ceremonies and all..I hope the people that live there now don’t ever decide to put in a pool) and it really helped to deal with loss later in life….just enjoy every minute…
and fyi..there is actually pet health insurance…I was able to get Pets Best.com insurance (they were the only ones that would insure older dogs) for Kato 2 months before he got sick and they covered most of $2500 bill…including the dog house shaped urn with his picture on it…
Thanks Valerie! Yes, it’s always best just to deal with it head on, together. and I was aware of pet insurance but had never looked into it, maybe I will now! xoxo