I recently announced that I’m pregnant (felt so good to come out of that closet!). In fact, I’m 17 weeks today (due January 3rd) and becoming more and more shall we say “amazed” by the things that my body is doing.
And because it’s always great to have another excuse reason to spout off about something, Liz & I decided I should write a regular feature called, “Maternity Mondays.”
So… I’m hoping all you moms out there will weigh in and remind me that I’m not alone in this- that you went through it too! Oh, and I’ll definitely be hitting y’all up for some advice (don’t even get me started on stroller selection!).
So, without further adieu, here’s my first major, er, prego “observation”.
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Can’t Touch This.
No, I’m not looking back on the 80′s and getting all warm and fuzzy inside at the thought of MC Hammer’s hit tune (although the song still has quite a ring to it!), this is the track that plays in my head every time my husband remarks on my gargontuean post-prego ta ta’s. (They were a 32DD pre-prego if that tells you anything!)
It seems like every time my freakshow, Jenna Jameson breasts are exposed, my husband is there. It’s like he has radar. I step out of the shower, there he is! I change my shirt, oh hello, honey! I remove my bra because it only makes my tits hurt more, yup, he’s there yet again. Wide eyed, tongue wagging, wanting me to throw him a bone.
Damn those are HUGE
Wow, they just keep getting bigger, don’t they?
Um, can, I pleeeease touch them?
I look at his puppy dog eyes. He’s like a kid in a candy store, wanting it all. And I try to find the right way to say…
Um, no honey you can’t. Unfortunately, they are for display only. Because not only are they sore as sh*t, but the day I first hit the toilet and lost my lunch, I’m pretty sure I lost my sex drive too. And the last thing I need right now is your mits all over my achy, nauseous, tired junk. But I love you…
As I watch his face fall while he mentally tries to calculate the last time he touched any part of my body (I don’t even want to do that math!), I think that all I need is a pair of those hideous parachute pants that Hammer used to wear (hey those could double as maternity wear!) and it definitely would be Hammer time!
Woh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Can’t touch these (at least until next trimester!?)
xoxo, Lisa
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Tell him that you can’t have sex tonight…you don’t have a headache but you’re tired because you’re pretty sure you grew a liver or a spleen today. That takes work, man! Don’t worry. I had NO sex drive during my first pregnancy. By the third one, I had some weird hormonal shift and had awesome sex dreams about Matthew McConaughey. My husband totally scored during that pregnancy! Tell him to enjoy your boobs now because after you have the baby and nurse, they will be 32 Long instead of 32 DD. Happy Maternity Monday!!
Poor Matt!
LMAO, Lisa! I feel for you sister. To the fun you currently are e”enjoying”, try adding hurling your guts up about every 20 minutes from Week 3 right on through the end of Month 7 (Yes, I did say Week … to Month!). My poor husband really should have been considered for sainthood!
But hey, as much as I can understand the “plight of the hubbies” here, let’s face it … they get off easy compared to the wives. We who have to carry the children in our wombs, suffer through the insanity they call pregnancy – and all the ‘FUN’ body changes that come with it- and then get to have the wild & crazy fun of labor & delivery. I won’t even get into post partum blues, nursing the bambino & trying to lose that oh-so-not-going-anywhere-fast baby weight!
Do not despair, my dear Lisa! You may indeed find your sex drive – while pregnant! And, since it’s your first “baby on board”, you probably won’t have to worry too much about your milk coming in early and squirting your darling man in the eyes! ; )
Ah, the joys of pregnancy! : )
Wait, you’re telling us you got married and THEN got pregnant? What kind of an unrealistic example are you setting for your child?
Serious congratulations.
Your husband has just signed up to trade-in sex for a red-faced, screaming, spitting baby – and that’s you in labor. After that he’s just traded-in spontaneous (“don’t need wax advice”) sex for the deal-of-the-day. Burp and change the baby? one credit, clean entire house = one credit. (*the trick is to get him to believe bigger tasks are worth more than one credit; never true). We do have good news: if you survive college (your kid’s) you will have time for sex again! No desire, but time.
Serious congratulations.
;)
Lisa, You know I”m so feeling ya on this one. At least you know you have a BF that has had EVERY single pregnancy symptom EVER! So you know you’re never alone. xoxo
Just thought I’d let you know of a way to throw him a bone without him actually touching you.
http://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/pic/18527231
Lisa,
I pray you’re not also expecting your husband to abstain from alcohol with you too. A guy’s gotta have an outlet! But seriously, this is all about YOU now, and you’ve got some great material to tap. Congratulations. Great idea for these Maternity Mondays. Now I’ll go away and let the moms chat. Who wants a guy leering around?
Congratulations Lisa!! About the baby – not the sore boobies.
Happy Maternity Monday!
Congratulations Lisa! I pray that your stomach eases up on you from here on out-mine settled down about the 18th week so I will remain hopeful for you (and your man). LOL FYI: My boobs hurt like HELL!!! the first trimester and off and on through the whole pregnancy-Think you are having a special time now? JUST wait until your milk comes in lady!!!! I was a 34 Full C before pregnancy, grew at least 2 sizes and then the day after delivering, I woke up as Dolly Parton! I reminded Jeff one time that the jugs can squirt in self defense, he pretty much stayed clear himself after that. LOL
Love the article! But, oh, my dear Lisa. I hate to be the devil’s advocate here, but what you’re “missing out on”. . . .with all 4 pregnancies I was a little bunny with a drive of 24-7-365!
Congratulations! Now, I didn’t have a problem with sex drive while pregnant, but afterwards it definitely dropped! With the hormone changes and the constant demands of being a mommy I am just so tired and not interested. My poor husband, he jumps at any indication I am ready for sexy time (even if it was not intended). I just change into dumpy clothes after work and he is there, watching me change and making porn music sounds! Men or such horndogs!!!
Juliet- 32 long. How exciting! Cannot wait for that fun!
Heather- you can say that again!
Jules- month seven! no!!! And milk squirtiing?! What?
ha! Still laughing… and singing… maybe a bit of dancing too.
My upper body grew too… Nordy’s has great bras, and they go pretty far in to the alphabet – G is a nice letter :)
Congrats!
The Lisa’s- I know, I’m so liberal! The credit idea is an interesting one- I’ll take that under consideration. I have to say, I do feel for my poor hubby. It’s just not fair. And damnit, it’s not fair for me either! C’mon drive, where are you hiding? ;0
LIz- I know. It’s been oddly comforting to know you’ve also experienced some of the same crazy things (I won’t get into the specifics here). And honestly, I think I’m finally turning a corner. At least I pray I am!
Colin- oh no! Never! He absolutely needs that outlet. PS: Yeah, what are you doing leering around here? :)
Kourtney- thanks!
Sharon- I keep hearing about this “milk coming in” thing. I cannot even imagine….
Corrina- you’re lucky!!!
Ah, pregnancy. Isn’t it awesome?
If my breasts were sore at that time, I don’t remember because I slept for 18 weeks…lol.
Colleen- I know, right?
Michelle- you got to sleep for 18 weeks? Wow. Jealous :)
Lisa, If you think you don’t want it now…..just wait till you have this kid. My advice is, give in, let him have it cuz once you get going, you WILL enjoy it. Not to get too graphic, but there’s more blood down there now and once he gets it in and starts going, it really does feel better than ever. And the other thing is, once your boobs fill up with milk, you won’t even want him within 5 feet of them. Violet is 2 months old now and we still haven’t done it. Add that to 6 weeks of bed rest before she was born and …..well……I think I saw my husband making googly eyes at my mom last night. JK. Good luck. Can’t wait to hear what crazy topic you come up with next Monday. :)
Oh Lisa!!
I so remember those hormonal days, especially in my first pregnancy. It was rough, and yes, it is very interesting when your milk comes in. Let’s just say, being pregnant was the only time I had actual boobs, and not the small bumps a band-aid could cover. ;)
But really, it does get better and your sex drive will improve. Wishing you much joy!!
Jaimee- HILARIOUS! I just laughed out loud at the mom comment (how is she, btw?). Thanks for this advice. I KNOW you’re right. And I’m going to side email you about this more, but let’s just say that this is NOT my normal style! Re: next topic… I’ve got a million up my sleeve. Just have to decide which ones are too graphic!
Lisa, I feel your pain (and tenderness) – I just hit 29 weeks and wowzer! They don’t’ lie when they say it is just going to get worse. Check out Motherwear.com – good bras. But word of caution: from the time I placed by order to the time I got my shipment, I grew at least a size =( That’s in 5-7 business days – wtf!!!
Look forward to next Maternity Monday. Happy pregnancy and congrats again =)
Congratulations!!! Hope you feel better!
Sally– thanks so much! Despite the side effects, it’s an incredible time for us!
Monica– yeah, I really need to deal with the bra situation! Let’s just say I am long overdue to go shopping for a new one! Congrats on ur pregnancy and thanks for the website referral!
Brittany– thanks so much!!
I’m at 32 weeks today with my first, and I’m 39 years old. Yeah, bras HURT…a few times, I’ve worn oversized black or navy blue t-shirts and gotten away with just not wearing one. Don’t tell anyone!!
The heartburn right under the breasts doesn’t help either. But…feeling the baby move around is nice and reassuring.
You’re going to have a baby new year!!
Hilarious! You totally crack me up. Hope you are feeling better soon. :)
Ooooh I was sooooo happy to get huge boobs during pregnancy… considering the fact that during all other times of my life they’re virtually non-existent. Even post baby when my milk came in and they were 2 cement blocks with a serious case of mastitis I showed those babies off with the skimpiest tittie-showin’ shirts I could find!!!! To me, the pain was worth it, I was so proud of my new knockers!!!!! Unfortunately, once I stopped nursing, all the fun went away :( I’ve re-joined the ranks of the itty-bitty-titty club :-/
Congrats Lisa! But I always thought when you get pregnant you’re more in the mood, not less. Has my television been lying to me all these years???
Caren- congrats! Btw, I’m 37.. expect some AMA (“advanced maternal age”) blogs coming soon! I haven’t experienced the hearburn yet. Can’t wait!! But am looking forward to feeling baby move!
Nina- thanks!
Sarah- of course the big only get bigger. So not fair! Sorry you couldn’t keep ‘em!
Beth, I think I’ve been in the minority. Although I’m happy to report that after yesterday’s comments, I pulled out of it! xo
Lisa,
As most of the people said, you sex drive will come back in the second and third trimester and then watch out!! And as most people said, it will be GONE once the baby is here — I have a friend who’s baby just turned 1 and they have had sex like two times since the baby was born and the first time after was when he was about 6 months old. The other “Can’t Touch This” you really need to worry about though is all the complete STRANGERS who will come up to you once you start showing and feel the need to touch/rub your stomach!! It was completely creepy!!!
Enjoy the pregnancy as much as you can! Congrats
Congrats! Don’t worry! If you decide to and are able to nurse, he won’t want to come near your boobs again. Ha!
I’m amazed at how boobs are able to do what they do. I have a 9 month old that I stopped nursing in March. My chest deflated about a week after I was done. Now I’m pregnant again (due Jan 8 – I know I know I know – they’ll be 14 months apart) and they’re back to being huge!
Gwyneth Paltrow said that any boob surgery after kids is reconstructive. I totally agree.
“gargontuean post-prego ta ta’s”
As my husband and his friends would say -looks as though you were visited by the Titty Fairy. See, the Titty Fairy (aka, Ta Ta Fairy) arrives one night as you slumber peacefully, dreaming of little booties and tiny toes. You awake to find yourself looking like a freakshow, and, if you are experiencing any type of sickness, probably feeling like the bottom of the the toilet bowl. But our dear, loving men only see the beautiful gift left by said Fairy. My husband once said it was like receiving a valuable, pristine autographed baseball that is sealed in a display case. You reallly want to take it out and play with it, but you know you can’t. :)
Congratulations!!
Congrats, girl! You’ll be an awesome mommy…. and hopefully the soreness will get better in a few weeks! (Hopefully for Matt, that is :)
Sarah, I know. Poor Matt. He read all the comments and said, “I’m depressed” so I let him feel me up last night! :)
I read Maternity Mondays & comments & vacillated between smiles and long forgotten flashbacks!
(You got it…due to a common phenomenon known as “blocking out” you only remember baby’s sweet silky head, adorable little outfits, booties, pink toes, sweet smiles, soft skin, and baby powder fresh aromas. Many women remember the whole experience so fondly that they repeat it again and again! :).
Rather than lots of advice and sharing, I’ll just mention that I’m sure Matt can vouch for the fact that ” The Stork” dropped him off at our house and because he was so cute we kept him… and lived happily ever after! You know how I love happy endings! -FMIL
Hey Lisa,
Congrats on your pregnancy. I totally laughed my ass off at your article. I know how you feel. No way I wanted to be touched first trimester but once that second trimester kicked in, my husband was in serious trouble and totally sleep deprived. The sex drive has a tendency to kick back in full steam ahead and if you’re lucky, you have the most amazing sex dreams. And trust me when I say, you have one in your dreams, so no need for hubby helping out or you making any kind of effort and breaking a sweat. It’s like a free pass.
Hope you feel better soon and get back into the swing of things.