Dear, The Bachelor,
I hope this isn’t too forward. But I f*cking love the sh*t out of you. To clarify, I don’t mean you, the bachelor, as in Brad (gag) or Jake (double gag) or even Ben (you should cut your shaggy mop, but you are growing on me.)- but the show. The glorious cat-fights, the endless streams of tears, the ridiculous stunts, the bad (make that really bad) prom dresses and that’s just the premier episode.
I’m addicted.
The rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes are obviously addicted too- many now coming back for a second beating more after having their hearts broken on national TV. Like our latest, Ben Flanjik.
And c’mon, admit it, you’re just a little bit addicted too… (I see your comments on Facebook and Twitter!)
Who cares that I’m pushing forty. That I had to wait until the kids went to bed to watch because the content of the show is just that wrong. That I sat by myself with a large glass of wine rubbing my hands together maniacally waiting for the opening credits to start. That my husband has even thrown in the towel after many seasons of (not so) secretly watching by my side. (Brad and his therapist did him in.) I’ll always be a loyal fan. I’ll always watch you.
Here are the five reasons why I’ll never stop…
1. The drama. Omg. It never ceases to amaze. Do these women not watch the previous seasons? Do they not get that drama is not the answer to securing a rose and landing the bachelor? All I have to say is thank gawd they don’t. And thank gawd for the free-flowing alcohol that the show provides them.
2. The crazies. I know she’s technically one of my own, but the blogger. Jenna. OMG. She brings hot mess to a whole new level getting into an argument with another woman and saying the seven words I was quite certain I’d NEVER hear in my life: Maybe. We. Can. Share. A. Tampon. Sometime.
WTF? (I think I’ll be asking that a lot this season!)
And in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, (I’m sure Chris Harrison would agree as, isn’t every rose ceremony the most dramatic?) she pries herself off the bathroom floor where she was crying hysterically about not following her own advice that she blogs about- and gets a rose. But of course she does. She only adds to the dramz. See #1.
3. The unexpected. The horse! The bacon! The grandma! And that was just last night.
Lindzi rides in on a horse and secures the first impression rose. And of course prompts one of the women (the model- who looks like she’s going to be CRAZY this season) to say, f*ck her and the horse she rode in on.
Amber B. (a.k.a. Amber Bacon) offers Ben a taste! (No one likes bacon that much. No one.)
Grams!
And Brittney brings her sweet, 72-year-old grandmother who raised her. (A brilliant play, btw!) And who, even though she is SEVENTY TWO, is apparently not safe from bashing (is nothing sacred?). The catty women can’t hold back even for a little old lady- talking shit on grams and her wrinkly skin. Two words: Eff. Them.
4. The wine. Oh this part is all about me even though two Bachelors have been in the wine biz- Andrew Firestone and now, Ben Flanjik. I’m referring to what goes on in my own living room as I watch. A nice deep pour from a nice bottle of red just makes it all even more delicious. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that the women seem to drink a sh*t load of it too.
5. The love. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. And they do fall- so madly and deeply-as they hold each other tight in their bathing suits (or as this season’s promo promises, in their birthday suits). And I am rooting for them- all of them. Even the ones that gross me out like the high-waisted pants wearing CRAZY pilot Jake. Because there’s someone for everyone. Right, Vienna?
And before I go, here’s the woman who would’ve gotten the first impression rose from me last night (because I can’t totally bash everyone and everything!): Kacie B. (What can I say, I’m a sucker for a southern accent!)
Here’s to another delicious season! I’ll be toasting next week’s episode with a bottle of wine from Ben’s Evolve Winery.
xoxo,
Lisa
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rofl! Love it too and drank my red wine while watching! The drama seems super good this season ;) I can’t wait!!! I already picked my favorite girl who seemed like only one not crazy :D Fellow Tensenessean, Kasey B.
I like kacie b too… I’m predicting she makes it to the end!
Haaaaaaa!!!
thx Lisa for validating my unexplainable addiction! Just as I pass by all the mags w/ Ashley and JT all over them and saying they’ll never last, I somehow tuned in last night for another season of hopefullness. I loved every second, and so did the hubby who also sneaks peaks but won’t admit it. Bring on the gma, the horse, the obligatory bathroom crying scene – it is so bad it is good! =)
Hahahaha that is just too funny!
I can’t stand the show! It is just all too fake for me!
The only one I watched almost all the way through was the one where they brought in the Geeks. Remember that show? I actually liked some of the geeks better than the hunks!
And I watched about 2 shows of the ones with Ashley (the 2nd time around)
Giggling my head off over this. I’ve always wondered – do the producers pull the bachelor/bachelorette aside and say “Please keep the most batshit crazy of them all around, at least for a while, because they make such good TV.” What else explains why on each first episode there’s always someone who’s got the flashing neon crazy sign (yeah, I’m looking at you, blogger girl) right over their heads but they always get a rose?
Lisa, OMG, so agree! You know sometimes I’m on and off with The Bachelor…I made myself(and Mike!) watch it last night and….Holy God these women are F’ing insane. And I’m pissed that blogger is giving us a bad name! And the model…..not as pretty as she thinks she is, right? Or is it just me? I like the blond in the red drss that tried to bring peace to the crazies. xo
Liz- the model is SO NOT AS PRETTY as she thinks she is. Did you see that horrible shoot with her hair flying in the breeze? Then walking on the Santa Monica Pier. Cheese fest. But she looks like she’s going to provide GOOD DRAMA for as long as she’s on the show! xo
Kim- YES THEY DO. I have not been told this for certain, but there’s no other possible explanation for why blogger girl would stay.
Wendy- I understand. It’s a hard one to stay committed to. I do remember the show with the GEEKS. That was horrendous. But, of course, I watched!
Melissa- that southern girl shout out was for you! xo
Monica- but of course. Anytime! Plus, I don’t want to “drink” alone! Need to bring others down with me :)
Jennifer- wasn’t she the sweetest? And the only one with a decent dress if you ask me.
Laura- I started without the wine and thought, WTH am I thinking?? ha! Yes, Kacie B is the one I love too!
Sadly, I too, am addicted, although I had to watch on my DVR this morning since the hubs was watching football on both tvs at the same time last night (so selfish!)
Can’t wait till the real drama begins;)
Maria- The hubs was watching only ONE TV show at our house and I thought that was selfish of him- considering he USED to watch the Bachelor with me! *cue sobs*
I’m addicted too, to the show not the men like you said. I’m not even a Ben fan. Ashley’s season was the most boring I’ve seen. I mean, it was almost bad television. But I MUST watch The Bachelor. I always look forward to it and can I say…big fan of the bachelor pad as well. It can’t be helped!
HahaI love this post! I can’t believe I’ve never thought to drink a glass of wine while watching! OMG – Jenna…she really has a craaazy look in her eye…they must tell the Bachelor to keep someone crazy around, or at least to choose the crazy girl last at the rose ceremony to help make it ‘the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.’ I actually think Ben is my favorite Bachelor…so much more laid-back than Brad who was so smiley and perfect, and Jake who was always laughing and so fake! This season will be a goodie for sure!!!
Diane- So happy I’m not alone!!
Amy- oh you must! And yes, definitely has crazy eye!
You are hilarious! :) I haven’t watched for a long time, but may have to tune in when I’m having a bad day so that I can giggle at someone else’s crazy life! Thanks for sharing the post! Lauren
Lisa, not only do I get excited for every new season, I get excited because that means I can start talking to you about all the lunatic women!!! Love it! Jenna, Jenna, Jenna! Have you read her blog? And I’m sorry, but Ben looks like he’s in constant need of a shower and a shave!
xo
Cin
I am with you on EVERY single point!!!!
And to top off the crazy~ the whole girl scoping out the other girl!!! Of all places to say you met your girlfriend, on The Bachelor!
Okay, I’d admit it, I’m hooked to the show The Bachelor, but according to my blog I can’t fully admit it and rather slog it off as I merely hear-through-the-grapevine (coughs)…
LOL.
Nice Blog Ladies:) Fun.Fun.Fun.
Denise, just checked out your recent blog and commented. I think I might have to re-DVR Real Housewives of Atlanta….
Lori- oh yeah, there was that whole lesbian thing too! Jeeezee…. getting your lesbian on when you’re on the Bachelor? What???