New host Angela Lindvall and "fashion expert" Miss Piggy

Liz here. I think y’all know I have a hard time with the word NO. But it’s especially true when it comes to my DVR-I just can’t say no to all those shiny and new Fall shows.  But there’s always a few that get dumped before I even watch one episode, (sorry 2 Broke Girls!) and a few that I can’t WAIT to sink my teeth into each week (Helloooo Once Upon A Time).

But just like any relationship, sometimes things go sour with even the best of shows.

You know how it is-things start off and you’re just so excited to see them.  You think about them when they’re not around, you talk about them incessantly to anyone who will listen.  You may even get irrationally angry when others block you from seeing them. (Um, yeah, sorry about that, Mike!) Then, things may start to cool off a little.  They seem to get comfortable and stop caring about how they look.  Or maybe they start trying a bunch of new things that, well, are LAME.  All of a sudden it’s been two, maybe three weeks since you’ve seen them. And before you can say Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, your former favorite show has become (gasp!) irrelevant!

And yes, Project Runway, I’m talkin’ to you.  Like Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, Chuck and Lost before you, I’m thinking of dumping your ass.

I LOVED Project Runway.  Like put the kids to bed, order sushi and force my husband to watch, LOVED it.  Christian Siriano made my heart sing and Mondo’s F’ed up patterns intrigued me. I didn’t even mind that Heidi Klum seemed to be pregnant every fucking season.  Hell, I even stuck with them when they moved over to Lifetime without High Def  TV and watched that terrible Models of the Runway spinoff!  Because even though I could barely see what the hell they had made without HD, I didn’t care.  I was there for the DRAMA. So when they announced Project Runway All-Stars, I was jumping up and down with joy.

All my fave designers!  In ONE show!  How could they go wrong? How could they mess up PERFECTION?

Well, they did. Let me count the ways…..

But wait, before we get into all that, I’ve got a copy of Gunn’s Golden Rules by Tim Gunn.  Just leave a comment and I’ll choose a lucky winner on Sunday January 29th after 6pm PST.  Good luck!

WHY I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU(ANYMORE):PROJECT RUNWAY

1. The poor man’s Heidi Klum Where the F is Heidi Klum and who is this imposter they have hosting the show?  I sincerely hope that she’s not as uncomfortable being on TV as I am watching her on it. Make the cringing stop. Please. And she doesn’t even say that German bullshit at the very end when the designer gets kicked to the curb.  WTF! 

And while we’re on the subject of Miss Klum, so freakin’ bummed to hear about her and Seal.  I really was buying in to their whole perfect relationship thing. *cue mental image of Seal serenading Heidi with Kiss From a Rose each night*

2. The New Judges Where is my boyfriend Micheal Kors and his barbs?  Nina Garcia’s knowing smirk? And Isaac Mizrahi as a replacement?  Really? That’s the best you could come up with? And don’t even get me started on the fact that MISS PIGGY was a guest judge last week. Because she’s a fashion EXPERT. Come on!

3. That British chick Okay, what the hell happened to Tim Gunn and who is this bitchy Brit with the bad haircut?  Her utter disdain while in the workroom makes me uncomfortable. And not in a good Real Housewives of Atlanta sort of way.

4. The Designers Between April’s gray hair and Austin Scarlett’s scarf and bolo fixation, I’m not feelin’ my fave designers.  Where is Kenley’s cattiness? Why isn’t anyone talking shit on Michael? When did Rami learn to do something other than draping? Where is the DRAMA?  Do they really think we actually tune in for the designs?  Jesus, I haven’t been able to see them clearly anyway the last few years!

5. High Definition TV  Sooooo…the lesson here is to be careful what you wish for.  I lamented the last three seasons about the lack of HDTV on Lifetime.  But little did I know how disconcerting it would be to actually see my favorite designers so UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.  Did Mila always look so sweaty in the workroom? Was Kenley’s lipstick always that red?  Did Micheal’s eyebrows look like that before? It’s creepin’ me out.

So I’m sorry Project Runway, it’s been real.  But I just moved you below Spongebob on my DVR playlist.  And we all know what that means-You’re out. Auf Wiedersehen!  Oh, and Top Chef?  I’m officially putting you on notice.

What about you?  Any shows you are dumping this season?  Tell me!

xoxo, Liz

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

 ”On a scale of one to 10, I feel like I’m gonna throw up.”

Ah, it’s highly intelligent statements like this one (among many other reasons coming up in a minute) that keep me watching The Bachelor every week. This is my personal favorite from last night. Spoken by Jaclyn who was upset over the possibility of the cocktail-party-crashing mystery guest getting a rose…

Confession:  Bachelor Ben Flajnik is starting to grow on me just a wee bit. He still needs an effing haircut like nobody’s bidness (could his sister not point that out to him???), but there’s something about him. He seems, dare I suggest, normal? Well, normal by reality show standards anyway. (And we have to admit he looked pretty good skiing with his shirt off… and did you see the part where he played the piano? *swoon*)

Or perhaps I’m no better than any of the women on the show- I’m simply caught up in the moment, the rose on the table staring me down- making me believe that he. Is. The. One.

But regardless of how I feel about Bachelor Ben, let’s face it- he’s not what makes The Bachelor a Monday night must-watch- it’s the catty, backstabbing, tight (and bad- does anyone else agree?) dress wearing, crying, idiotic statement spewing women who have us pulling up a couch cushion each week.

And as I watched last night, I found myself giddy with excitement yet again. Even though I’ve seen it all before- even though it’s the same Bachelor just a different name. Even though it’s the same cocktail party showdowns and tearful exits. Even though it’s a total formula-  It never gets old. And I decided that because five reasons I still watch The Bachelor just weren’t enough, here are five more. (PS: Be sure to leave a comment about why you watch- or why you don’t- and be entered to win a copy of FLY AWAY HOME by fellow Bachelor watcher, Jennifer Weiner. We’ll randomly select the winner after 6p.m. PST on Sunday, Jan 22. )

1. The crazy declarations

If we conquer our fear of heights together, we can do anything! (Said by Ben after he climbs the San Francisco Bay bridge with his date, Emily.) Who cares that they’ve only known each other for two and a half minutes? They’ve climbed up to a really high place together so they can survive marriage! WTF?

When I walk through the door tonight, I’m going to fall in love with Ben quickly.  These girls are going to hate me but I’m willing to take the risk because he’s (Ben’s) someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. Spoken by a mystery guest who crashes the cocktail party. Oh and BTW, she doesn’t know Ben at all. See #2

2. The (uninvited) mystery guest

I love the drama as the mystery guest is slowly revealed. The hands on the steering wheel. The voice mail left for Chris (Harrison). The legs getting out of the car. The reaction of the girls when she enters the cocktail party. WHO. THE. *#&%. IS. THAT. GIRL? Well, last night it was Shawntel (or whatsherbutt as model, Courtney, so affectionately called her). You remember funeral director Shawntel from Brad’s season? Well poor Shawntel’s crazy declaration didn’t prove true- she didn’t get the rose or the love. (And let’s face it, had she stayed, the girls would’ve likely killed her or at the very least beaten her to a freakin’ pulp.) But what she did get were a lot of fun comments like:  she’s uglier in person and her thighs are thicker than mine (spoken by the SAME girl). The guys she dates go on dates where she draws people’s blood.  We don’t re-use Brad’s dumpster trash And my personal favorite: She rode in here on her high Hearse *cue cymbal*

3. The dates

Scaling the San Francisco Bay Bridge, a private concert by Matt Nathanson, a piano duet. And that was just one date with one girl- Emily. Oh, to be a reality show contestant… *Swoon* To fall in love to the glow of the camera lights. To make out with six producers watching you. To go on one unrealistic date after the next making your expectations so high that it will be virtually impossible to succeed in love in the real world. Wait, maybe I’m wrong. Apparently if you do a death defying stunt together, you’ll have no issues living under the same roof, sharing money or raising kids! (See #1). Plus, on what other show can you watch women skiing the streets of San Francisco in their bikinis?

4. Chris Harrison

Gotta love the man. He’s got the greatest gig in TV.  He probably makes a sh*t load of money and he’s only on the air for about five minutes each week. Although last night he actually got about six minutes because he greeted the mystery guest (told her to freshen up?! See #5) and had to come out a second time to establish that Ben was about to give out the final rose of the evening. (Erika went down hard like a sack of potatoes temporarily halting the rose ceremony.)

5. Jennifer Weiner’s live tweets

As if we didn’t already love this New York Times bestselling novelist enough for writing fabulous book after fabulous book (can’t wait for her upcoming release, The Next Best Thing) she also live tweets The Bachelor! @Jenniferweiner And she’s hilarious. (Trust me, her tweets alone are reason enough to watch the show.) Some of my favorites:

She’s got thicker thighs than me. She’s uglier in person. Wow. Did the meanest girl get a free spray tan? #thebachelor

Hmph. Ben declines to hand out the final rose. Jaclyn’s crying like she lost a limb. Or an implant. Something important. #thebachelor

When I’m in charge of everything, The Bachelor will be on every night

And one reason I might have to stop watching…

The tonsil hockey

WTF? Really Ben? I don’t know about you, but it wouldn’t be a turn on if Ben told me I was the best kisser in the house. Then kissed me again and told me it was still true. Aren’t we missing something here? This means he’s sticking his tongue down a lot of throats. #gagmewithaspoon

xoxo,

Lisa

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

Dear, The Bachelor,

I hope this isn’t too forward. But I f*cking love the sh*t out of you. To clarify, I don’t mean you, the bachelor, as in Brad (gag) or Jake (double gag) or even Ben (you should cut your shaggy mop, but you are growing on me.)- but the show. The glorious cat-fights, the endless streams of tears, the ridiculous stunts, the bad (make that really bad) prom dresses and that’s just the premier episode.

I’m addicted.

The rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes are obviously addicted too- many now coming back for a second beating more after having their hearts broken on national TV. Like our latest, Ben Flanjik.

And c’mon, admit it, you’re just a little bit addicted too… (I see your comments on Facebook and Twitter!)

Who cares that I’m pushing forty. That I had to wait until the kids went to bed to watch because the content of the show is just that wrong. That I sat by myself with a large glass of wine rubbing my hands together maniacally waiting for the opening credits to start. That my husband has even thrown in the towel after many seasons of (not so) secretly watching by my side. (Brad and his therapist did him in.) I’ll always be a loyal fan. I’ll always watch you.

Here are the five reasons why I’ll never stop…

1. The drama. Omg. It never ceases to amaze. Do these women not watch the previous seasons? Do they not get that drama is not the answer to securing a rose and landing the bachelor? All I have to say is thank gawd they don’t.  And thank gawd for the free-flowing alcohol that the show provides them.

2. The crazies. I know she’s technically one of my own, but the blogger. Jenna. OMG. She brings hot mess to a whole new level getting into an argument with another woman and saying the seven words I was quite certain I’d NEVER  hear in my life: Maybe. We. Can. Share. A. Tampon. Sometime.

WTF? (I think I’ll be asking that a lot this season!)

And in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, (I’m sure Chris Harrison would agree as, isn’t every rose ceremony the most dramatic?) she pries herself off the bathroom floor where she was crying hysterically about not following her own advice that she blogs about- and gets a rose. But of course she does. She only adds to the dramz. See #1.

3. The unexpected. The horse! The bacon! The grandma! And that was just last night.

Lindzi rides in on a horse and secures the first impression rose. And of course prompts one of the women (the model- who looks like she’s going to be CRAZY this season) to say,  f*ck her and the horse she rode in on.

Amber B. (a.k.a. Amber Bacon) offers Ben a taste! (No one likes bacon that much. No one.)

Grams!

And Brittney brings her sweet, 72-year-old grandmother who raised her. (A brilliant play, btw!)  And who, even though she is SEVENTY TWO, is apparently not safe from bashing (is nothing sacred?). The catty women can’t hold back even for a little old lady- talking shit on grams and her wrinkly skin. Two words: Eff. Them.

4. The wine. Oh this part is all about me even though two Bachelors have been in the wine biz- Andrew Firestone and now, Ben Flanjik. I’m referring to what goes on in my own living room as I watch. A nice deep pour from a nice bottle of red just makes it all even more delicious. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that the women seem to drink a sh*t load of it too.

5. The love. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. And they do fall- so madly and deeply-as they hold each other tight in their bathing suits (or as this season’s promo promises, in their birthday suits). And I am rooting for them- all of them. Even the ones that gross me out like the high-waisted pants wearing CRAZY pilot Jake. Because there’s someone for everyone. Right, Vienna?

And before I go, here’s the woman who would’ve gotten the first impression rose from me last night (because I can’t totally bash everyone and everything!): Kacie B.  (What can I say, I’m a sucker for a southern accent!)

Here’s to another delicious season! I’ll be toasting next week’s episode with a bottle of wine from Ben’s Evolve Winery.

xoxo,

Lisa

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

Summer’s finally here and I’m looking forward to all the things that come along with it. Like beach bonfires, BBQs and…all kinds of TV shows that weren’t good enough for the regular season!

Remember back in the day when the only thing on in the summer were reruns of all your favorite shows?  But then the powers that be realized that viewers were so desperate for fresh programming in July that they’d watch just about anything!  And so the summer season was born…

I’ll admit that I’ve grown rather fond of many summer substandard shows. (Um, is this where I admit that I’m a closet Big Brother fan?)  And I always cheer just a little bit when one of my summer crushes graduates to the bigtime, aka the fall season schedule. (Bravo SYTYCD and Dancing with the Stars!)

And this summer is no exception with it’s choices of gluttonous reality TV.  And lucky for you, I’m here to navigate y’all through what’s trashy in a good way to what’s just trash.

WATCH THIS!

Losing it with Jillian I ran into this show by accident last week and thought I couldn’t stand the thought of one more minute of Jillian’s workouts, which usually consist of screaming and dramatic speeches about people healing from the inside.  But I was soon mesmerized by her heartfelt attempt to help an obese mom and dad lose weight in time for their daughter’s wedding.  And I cried like a baby when Jillian gave her lameass, overly dramatic, camera too close to her face speech.  Against my better judgment, I’m season passing this one.

Wipeout What does it say about me that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch people eat sh*t on the big red balls?  I tried to tell myself that it was my crush on John Henson(dating all the way back to his days on Talk Soup) that kept me coming back for more.  But then I finally came to the realization that watching these people make asses out of themselves just makes me happy after a long day.  Don’t judge.

NOT THAT!

The Bachelorette I’ve got to throw out the disclaimer that I actually watch this show religiously every week(so many facebook status opportunities! I can’t control myself!) and have been a huge fan since the day Trista gave out her first rose. But this season can be, um, well, SLIGHTLY UNWATCHABLE at times. Between the wrestler, the James Spader wannabe and the questionable sexual orientation of the weatherman, I find myself rolling my eyes much more than usual. (And that’s saying a lot people!)  And please someone tell me why we can’t get through an episode without one of these guys crying a river.  It’s making me want to take a torch and burn the rest of Ali’s roses. (Or her hair extensions-WTF with those?)

True Beauty Another show that I’m beginning to have a love/hate relationship with.  Something about the horribly obnoxious and shallow contestants (who think their competing to be the “face of Las Vegas” but are really being judged on their inner beauty) is both repulsive and addicting at the same time.  But either way, I’m always wondering the same thing: Where the hell do they find these people? And I can never tell if it’s my desperation to watch something new or actual humor that makes host Carson Kressly’s quips funny.  Either way, I have a feeling that True Beauty will be gathering dust in my Tivo this summer.

Honorable NOT THAT mention: Minute to Win it is so incredibly lame that I refuse to write more than one sentence about it-you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

What are YOU watching this summer?

xoxo, Liz

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

We’ve made no secret about the fact that we love TV. All kinds of TV. From the good to the really, really bad (in a good way) kind. And we’ve also never had a problem hopping up on our soapboxes and giving our two cents about shows like The Bachelor. So…our love of TV + our love of sharing our opinion= our latest feature, Watch this Not that.

Watch this:

Say Yes to the Dress I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my wedding is *gulp* TEN days away or that I’m just strangely obsessed with brides and their entourages as they shop a gown that makes them “look like a princess”, but I’m in LOVE.  I. Can’t. Stop. Watching.  I’ve even got my fiance hooked (don’t tell him I told you!) and scratching his head as he tries to figure out why so many grooms-to-be have an opinion on what type of dress their fiance should buy. I say a groom who knows what a mermaid dress is= gay.

The Bachelor First of all, I don’t know about you, but when I picked up this week’s Us Weekly and saw “Vienna’s Secret” on the cover, I thought I was going to read that someone finally uncovered a picture of her penis because she IS A MAN. Not that she used to dance topless (bore-ring). When dull Jake was picked as the Bachelor, I thought this season was going to suck ass. But thanks to the women, it’s been one mental breakdown after another. (um, Ali, you work in ad sales for Facebook, not in the White House) And now that it’s down to the Penis and Tenley, I’m wondering if Jake picks the Penis and then reveals that he’s gay. And then he’d suddenly become very interesting. So…I say even though we all want to slit our wrists with the overplaying of “On the Wings of Love” hang in there and keep watching- especially Monday’s “The Women Tell All” when crazy pants Michelle, a.k.a. “Um, Jake, I know we just met five seconds ago, but I need you to know that I’m ready to get married and give my mother grandchildren” is baaaack!

Not that:

Grey’s Anatomy Okay, so I have a confession. I broke up with Grey’s earlier this season. But then Ugly Betty got canceled (how am I going to live without bitchy Mark’s one-liners?) and it freed up some space in my DVR and I gave Grey’s a second chance. Well, just like you shouldn’t take an ex-boyfriend back when he comes a beggin’, you should not get sucked back in by a show that’s clearly jumped the shark. No need to doubt me on this. The highlights are: Bailey still gives about five speeches an episode that are all some version of I’m angry, single and did I mention angry? The Chief is in rehab and Derek is taking his place (yawn, snore) and little Grey died her hair blonde. Um, yeah, they don’t really do medicine on the show anymore.

Dating in the Dark I just read that it got renewed. Now, I’m into the good kind of bad TV as much as the next gal (um, even I got sucked in by Snooki). But  I have to draw the line somewhere. And I’m sorry, but are we really supposed to believe that even though people are tugging on each others love handles and going through their underwear drawers, that they’re really basing their decisions solely on their personalities? Sorry, but if you’re going to be so shallow, can you at least give me some better lighting while you do it?

xoxo, Lisa

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

The girl who preferred  the cameraman.

That crazy bitch from Anaheim.

The hawt non-kissing nanny.

Bachelor, I can’t quit you.

Since that faithful day back in March of 2002, The Bachelor had me at Will you accept this rose? Feminism be damned, I ate up every moment of this newest reality trainwreck.  And when Trista burst onto the scene in all her post-cheerleading glory, I was cheering at my TV screen as she and  sensitive firefighter Ryan (Does anyone else remember those pictures he used to draw for her?) tied the knot while dozens of helicopters circled their ceremony. And I think I might have been the only one that watched that lame ass special about their (incredibly boring!) bachelor and bachelorette parties.

I drooled over winemaker Andrew Firestone (still my all-time fave!)  and chuckled with funny guy turned kissing bandit Bob Guiney. I crossed my fingers that older bachelor Byron would choose one of the Cougars rather than one of the twenty-somethings brought in to create drama and even held my breath as  super boring Bachelorette Meredith gave her final rose to Ian. I was officially a Bachelor junkie.

However, my interest started to dwindle around season seven.  I wasn’t quite sure if it was due to the recent birth of my first child or Charlie O’Connell’s overall lameness. But either way, I fell off the wagon for a few years, leaving diehard fans like Lisa to fend for themselves on Mondays nights. (Sorry about that!)  I just couldn’t sign off on that fake prince, the football player or the guy with the accent.  To my husband’s delight, I declared I was done with The Bachelor forever.

But then came single dad and complete DOUCHEBAG Jason Mesnick.  I was drawn in all over again, fascinated why an attractive man with a young child would choose such a path to meet their soulmate. How in the world his ex could have ever signed off on such a thing. I was so pissed that I even put it on my official “If I Go-Go this is a No-No” list. But even in all my righteousness, I recognized damn good TV when I saw it.  And I think we can all agree that, for once, Chris Harrison wasn’t exaggerating when he stated that it was going to be THE MOST DRAMATIC AFTER THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

So I was back. The next season, I found myself screaming at my TV every time Jillian gave hot two-timing asshole Wes a rose and stifling a giggle as Jake cried over the balcony in his high-waisted pants. It was too good not to blog about.

I’ll be honest- I wasn’t thrilled when I heard that the producers had chosen Jake, the previously mentioned high-waisted pants wearing crybaby.  I had been hoping for Reid, who I had harbored a secret crush on the previous season. So I was pleasantly surprised as Jake was introduced to all the new girls moving into what I like to now call “Crazytown”.

But what surprised me the most wasn’t the fact that they cast someone like Michelle from Anaheim, who seems clearly unbalanced, but that Jake wasn’t the complete snoozefest I’d thought he’d be. It was what kept me coming back for more, despite that RIDICULOUS amount of flying puns during the first cocktail party.  And must we even bring up the “On the Wings of Love” flying montage? *Gag*

Despite that, he earned my respect (the term “respect” being used loosely here) by kicking that nut Michelle to the curb immediately after she demanded to kiss him and then deemed it unworthy when no tongue was involved. And I couldn’t have been happier than when he called that Mary Poppins wannabe Elizabeth out on her cock-teasing and then sent her packing.

And as I anxiously await the knowledge of which two women will be shamed when their precious roses are thrown in the fire and to witness the next Ali/Vienna catfight, I realize that I’ve reached an all-new low in my reality TV watching. (Well, unless you count that Jersey Shore marathon when I was sick.)   But I don’t care.  I’m proud to say you’ll find me sitting in front of my television each Monday at 8pm.  You know you want to join me!

xoxo, Liz

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday night, Liz texted Lisa the same message she’s sent her every Sunday for the past three years.

Dude, we should try out for the Amazing Race! It would be soooo fun!

And Lisa’s thumbs couldn’t type fast enough as she responded the same way she has every Sunday for the past three years.

F**kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Nooooooooooooooo!!!

But …thank you for giving me an idea for a blog post!

I'm sorry to tell you, Liz & Lisa, that you are the last team to arrive~Phil Keoghan

Liz says:  Come on, Let’s race!

Oh, Amazing Race, How I love thee! And even though my current idea of adventure is staying at a three-star hotel, I think I would love schlepping around the world with nothing but a passport and the three nasty outfits that I shoved into my backpack.  I mean, what better way to lose weight than to run through the streets of Dubai in 130 degree heat?  Nevermind the fact that I usually start sweating the second the barometer breaks 85 and that I consider a trip to the Bahamas an international vacation.

And even though Lisa and I sometimes spend thirty minutes arguing over sentence structure, I’m sure we’ll get along famously!  If we survived the bad fashion of the 80′s and 90′s together, we can surely herd some Japanese tourists and ducks like nobody’s business or eat a wasabi bomb in thirty seconds!

While I’m sure Lisa will make a strong case against our Amazing Race union, I’m here to plead my case for an appearance next season.

1. We get to hang out with Phil, who is smokin’ hot AND has an accent! I’m sure that we’ll look awesome after jogging through the streets of China in our underwear or taking a dip in the crisp, clean waters of Vietnam.  And although I can’t leave the house without burning my hair into submission for thirty minutes with a flat iron, I think our new au natural look will be a big hit! Isn’t it time for frizzy hair and thick eyebrows to make their well-deserved comeback?

2. Free Publicity for Chick Lit is not Dead Admit it, we could really use the exposure. No publicity is bad publicity, right?  Plus, it’s either this or tying a chair to some mylar balloons and sending my five-year up for a ride. And this way I don’t have to break any laws or be ridiculed on CNN. Because, admit it, we all know I’ll be edited as “the nice one”! Sorry, Lisa.

3. Endless Blog fodder and Facebook status updates My only concern is that many of Lisa’s updates would start with Lisa is ready to kill Liz because…

4. What a great workout! There’s nothing like springing through foreign countries in extreme weather conditions to get your ass in shape!  Nevermind the fact that we both will become crazy beyotches if we skip lunch or don’t drink water every five minutes.  I’m sure it will all work out fine! (And make for great TV if it doesn’t…)

Lisa says:  Are you F’ing kidding me?

For the record, I’d like to state that I’m in love with The Amazing Race. One of my favorite pastimes is sitting back and WATCHING the teams of two nearly kill each other as they try to find a one inch snowman in a twenty five foot pile of snow. From the Newly Datings (oh the poor, innocent things) to the We’ve been engaged for nine years but aren’t sure if we should get marrieds (what an iron clad way to strengthen your relationship!) to the requisite We’re freakishly hot and SWEAR we don’t have sex couples. (Well, if you weren’t having it before, running through the streets of New Dehli aint gonna help the mojo!) I love them all! (The angry/violent hearing impaired guy and his freakishly strong mom were my favorite!)

And even though I also heart Liz and think she’s incredibly talented and creative, trying out for The Amazing Race is, hands down, one of the worst ideas she’s ever had! (Well, if you don’t count her recent decision to mix Tequila and Smirnoff this past weekend.) So, here’s my case for why our only “Amazing Race” should be meeting our December book deadline.

1. Um, Phil, is it against the rules for me to strap a GPS to my camel? My idea of following a map is inputting an address into my car’s navigational system.  I’m quite confident I would have an easier time finding a Starbucks in Bakersfield than I would trying to track the lady in the purple scarf in a busy square in Bangkok. I still have to confirm directions to O’Hare and Liz expects me to try to find a yodeler at the base of the Swiss Alps? WTF?!

2. There’s no bottled water in Zimbabwe? Considering my constant dehydration even if the best conditions, I could easily be the first AMAZING RACE contestant to murder her teammate over lack of H2O. So if Liz wants to live to see her 37th birthday, she should probably just continue to lust after her boy Phil from afar.  Maybe stalking him off-season would be easier?

3. Do you think I can pop my enzymes before I eat a cricket in Cairo? Um, Liz knows I can barely consume a perfectly made American hamburger without digestive aids. So the fact that she wants me to consider downing a wasabi bomb with a side of scorpion tail is more than upsetting. Constipation +bloating = distended belly, bad TV and, did I mention bad TV?

4. I don’t do alliances! I know my people-pleasing friend, Liz will want to team up with the cute guys or help the requisite hillbillies that can barely read the signs in English. (Let alone Japanese!) And all I can say is Hells to the No’s. I’m not sharing my ladle, my internet cafe location or my Gas-X with anyone!

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

It was very apropos that I had the most dramatic cable box meltdown in Lisa Steinke history just moments before The Bachelorette Season Finale was about to start. I cried as I thought about how many of Chris Harrison’s “The Most Dramatic…..ever” statements I was about to miss.

What if Ed wore a new and even shorter pair of the most dramatic mankini shorts in Bachelorette history ever?

What if Tanner came back in the most dramatic foot fetish guy return in Bachelorette history ever?

What if Jillian took the biggest dump in Bachelorette history ever?

No matter what it was, I wasn’t going to miss it! And as a single tear ran down my cheek, I declared to the Comcast Cable rep that getting the cable box to work was a matter of life and death. (And it was! Mama needed to get me some matted chest hair visuals and overly dramatic piano music–stat!)

Luckily, my decision to hang up and call the cable company back so I could get someone on the line who knew what the FU*K THEY WERE DOING was a good one. The cable box started working and I was able to get my Bachelorette on, yo!

And now that The Bachelorette Season Finale & The Bachelorette: After The Final Rose has aired, I feel a bit lost. What am I going to do on Monday nights without Jillian’s squeal and Ed’s horrible wardrobe? Am I really supposed to embrace people giving back rubs and checking arm fat under infrared light on Dating in the Dark?

Until Project Runway starts (Tim & Heidi–August 20th!), I’ll still be missing Kiptyn’s abs (OMG, can we talk about the bod?), Wes’s sly asshole grin (he’s a dirtbag, but he’s still cute!)…and even Jake’s high-waisted pants (they brought me back to my mom jeans days!)  and I’ll be thinking of the next season of The Bachelor. (I vote for Jake! We can give him a pass for crying on that railing, can’t we?)

I’ll even miss Jillian because I kind of fell for her. What can I say, she’s cute, she’s a hopeless romantic like me and her squeal kind of got to me! And any woman who can look beyond matted chest hair (I’ll be sending you the Mangroomer, girlfriend!), erectile dysfunction (I’ll be praying for you!) and bad hair days (tell him NOT to wear it flat against his forehead please!)  deserves a little credit. And, Jillian, I’d like to thank you for these really important life lessons I learned as I watched you weed your way from 30 guys down to one dorky albeit Chicago boy (yeah!), fiance…

THE ZIP LINE RULE If we can zip line together, we’ll have a successful marriage! Because we were both tethered to a rope and successful at sliding down to the bottom, I’m COMPLETELY CONFIDENT that we can make it through anything. Who needs to worry about talking about silly things like money, religion and parenting?  We were both strapped into a harness at the same time, we’ll be fine!!

EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A TOTAL RAT BASTARD DOUCHE, IF YOU SING TO ME, I’M ALL YOURS! I know you barely look at me, hardly touch me, and all you want to do is sing to me…oh, and you also have  girlfriend…but I still feel that we have a really. strong. connection. Plus, it’s not good enough that you’ve been completely unavailable to me in the U.S. so now I’m going to invite you to Spain so you can continue to reject me in another country! Woo hoo! Love sure don’t come easy!

SOBER SHMOBER! I know I’ve never seen you sober, but I’m confident that we’ll still have a great relationship anyway! From the bicycling for two, to the picnic to the cheesy private concerts, you and I have always been drunk off our asses on shots and wine and beer, but I still think I know you really, really well and know we can have a future together!

TIME IS OVERRATED: YOU CAN PROPOSE AFTER FIVE MINUTES! I know I’ve only spent a total of 72 non consecutive hours with you… but they were very realistic real-world like hours! Like when we flew over Maui in a helicopter, jetted off to Spain and had a private dinner on a yacht, I could tell we were oh so compatible. So, I have no issue pushing you to give me an answer about whether or not you plan to propose to me next week!

YOU CAN’T GET IT UP, BUT I’M SURE OUR SEX LIFE WILL BE FINE! You were probably just nervous…In your defense, there were cameras everywhere. And I’m sure it had NEVER happened to you before. I may not even get another chance to spend the night with you so unless we can sneak off and try to do it behind a jet ski, I guess I’ll have to believe that your big junk bulge that you tease me with through your short shorts will one day please me!

ACCEPT THE MAN IN THE MANKINI I’m going to look past the mankini and find the man….I don’t care that you’re wearing shorts that are shorter than mine or that they have a back pocket and look like they’re from the GIRL’S SIDE of Abercrombie & Fitch, I want to get married damnit. And a little slight public junk nudity aint going to stop me!

Well, Jillian, I can’t imagine wanting to spend my life with any dude who practically showed scrotum on national TV… But then again, I can’t imagine a lot of other things like keeping a mango toe polish loving foot fetish freak in the mix, working so hard to try to find Angry Dave’s softer side or even trying to believe a 25-year old break dance instructor was ready to settle down.

But I must say that after seeing you on The Bachelorette: After The Final Rose, you do seem giddy and said you were “madly in love” so maybe it will work out for you? But Ed, if I ever see you walking down Michigan Avenue sporting your “even shorter” blue mankini, I’m going to have to drop kick you right in your man buldge! Chicago just aint big enough for you, me and your mankinis!

xoxo, Lisa

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

Well, it’s Bachelorette finale time again. That special day when two people who hardly know each other become engaged after a whirlwind romance consisting of dream dates,  fantasy suites and plenty of drama!

And think about it. How can a relationship not work out after you’ve zip-lined together?  Or biked down a cobblestone street in Spain?  Or jumped off a chartered yacht while holding hands in Hawaii? These are the activities that build a strong foundation for the future! And nothing says trust like feverishly competing with thirty other men for your woman’s affections.

I mean, clearly, ABC wants to make sure these relationships are built to last, right?

Riiiigggghhhht.

But Bachelorette lovers, don’t worry.  I’m not hatin’.  Just like you, I’ve had a date  with my girl Jillian every Monday night at 8pm all summer.  I cringed when Tanner inappropriately talked about her feet and when Dave became an Angry Santa and threatened to “beat Juan’s ass”. I gasped when Sasha was sent home on a city bus (worst walk of shame-EVUH!) and laughed at the irony of a man named ED having E-D issues on national television.

I screamed at the TV as Jillian continued to be blinded by Wes’s douchebagness and cheered when Jake tattle-tailed that he had a girlfriend.  And because of that act of chivalry, I gave Jake’s high-waisted pants and crying-over-the-railing incident a pass.  I even participated in some angry tweeting when I discovered Wes was on Twitter! (You can too by clicking here! And you can follow Liz and Lisa by clicking here.)

Wes. As much as I hated to admit it, I found myself relating to Jillian’s reluctance to let him go.  Admit it. ladies, we’ve all dated our fair share of guys like Wes.  Classic bad boy. The kind of guy makes you crazy, in a throwing rocks at his window, blocked caller ID sort of way.

And while I was excited when she finally kicked him to the curb (I think his rose ceremony outfit may have sealed the deal, wtf?), Liz circa 1989-1998 understood exactly why she had so much trouble letting him go.  But the good news for me was that all my douchebag-loving-gone-wrong experiences had not been televised.

Although I must say that would have been Must-See TV!

Like Jillian, I finally kicked my bad boy habit to the curb many years ago and switched to Team Nice Guy.(Thank you, Mike Fenton!)   And in honor of her seeing the light, I’ve composed a list of other men like Wes that my friends and I have encountered over the years.  I like to call it…

Douche-o-rama, 90′s edition.

THE LEAD SINGER

Ladies, let’s face it.  A man’s ability to sing or play an instrument makes him hot. (How else would Steven Tyler EVER get laid?) In fact, it’s probably what sends thousands of average-looking boys to guitar lessons each year.  And even though I already knew that Wes was trouble, my heart STILL melted a little when he serenaded Jillian. But the only problem is that he was probably singing “It Don’t Take That Long” to a different girl each night. My advice is to put on your earplugs and kick this one to the curb, ASAP!

THE STAR CROSSED LOVER

Yes, I know it seems romantic that your friends and family have told you he’s no good for you so you have to sneak around to see him.  But you know what’s not so romantic? Text stalking. (AKA “pager stalking” in the 1990′s.  It’s amazing how many words you can spell with upside-down numbers!) Maybe it’s time to put the “talk” back in “stalking”.

THE CRAZY GUY

Ugh. The crazy guy.  Why do we always want to “fix” him?  It’s like picking out some angry dog at the pound that bites you and pees all over your furniture.  But the challenge of reforming a crazy guy is always too tempting for some of us.  Just think, you could be the ONE he changes his ways for!  Not.

THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO BE MORE FRIENDLY WITH

This was my M.O. back in the day. Become friends, start to crush, hook up one drunken night and then proceed to have the most dysfunctional friendship EVUH. Note to self:  When your “friend” is asking for your advice on how to get the attention of your friend, HE IS NOT INTERESTED! And going all “fifth grade” on him and writing a seven page love letter confessing your true feelings is not going to help things.  Trust me on this one-never leave any evidence of your desperado behavior!

MR. PERFECTO

Dating a guy that owns a beach house, a plane and got a perfect score on his SATs  does sound pretty killer. Hmm…except for his video game obssesion, which kinda creeps you out.  Oh, and also the fact that he makes you so crazy you threw rocks at his window at 2am when he didn’t call you back.  And when he finally let you in, you slept on the edge of his bed like a naughty dog. Time to say GAME OVER.

Tell us about your Douch-o-rama!

xoxo, Liz

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.

Jason, Jason, Jason… Or should I just call you Douche Bag?

WTF? Really? Follow your heart… no regrets…my ass!

I’m not sure why, but I expected more from you. Sure, you’re a reality TV contestant in a contest to find love on a completely unrealistic show where the number one way of getting to know each other is through the sport of hot tubbing, but still, I expected more. From. You.

Now don’t get me wrong, I heart the Bachelor (the show, not you). I love the psychoness of the chicks as they get kicked off . I enjoy watching the cattiness of the girls as they fight with each other while also fighting for the Bachelor’s love. But if you ask me, the women are just insecure and competitive and don’t really want the Bachelor as much as they want to win or be won.

But I love it all. Even the hottubbing. Especially when the Bachelor is hot and as much as I’m annoyed with you, seeing you with your shirt off wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.  But what I didn’t love about you, Jason Mesnick, was that you became a Douche with a capital “D”.

I felt for you when DeAnna broke your heart, I really did. I thought you seemed genuine and legit. So when I heard you were the next  Bachelor, I was happy for you. I knew you’d have your pick of “25 ladies” who would find you cute and sweet, just like I did.

But then the show started and you just couldn’t stop crying. Dude, is it really that sad to say good bye to a girl you’ve known for five minutes? WTF with all the waterworks?

And then the kissing that went on? It seemed like you never knew what to say back to every poor girl professing her love so your answer was to kiss her? It became incredibly annoying, but still manageable and certainly not cause to stop watching. I’m proud to say that in all the seasons of the Bachelor, I’ve never thrown in the towel… even when guys almost Douchey-er than you were the Bachelor (and there were a couple).

And anyway, you didn’t fully turn me off until ”The Bachelor: After the Final Rose.

I’d seen the promos for the Most dramatic Bachelor ending ever and there you were, crying again… on that balcony. I thought WTF happened now, did he slice his finger on a thorn?

Even after I’d heard on Reality Steve that you were going to dump Melissa and go for Molly and that you knew it all along, (Jury’s still out on that BTW because I can’t believe that even you’d be that gross- Although now after possible emails between you and Melissa have been uncovered by Access Hollywood, you seem to be anything but accountable–Bachelor Emails), I watched the show anyway. Because I’m a romantic who’s had her heart broken many times. Plus, I hoped that the rumors weren’t true. Even though my preference was Molly all along. I prayed that you wouldn’t break Melissa’s heart–especially after what happened to you.

But you did. And not only did you rip her heart out, but you did it on national television. Sure, there wasn’t an audience in an effort to “keep it as intimate as possible”, as Chris Harrison said, but it was still in front of millions of people. And it was just gross dude. The way you did it, what you said, everything. And yes, I’m totally judging you. Because. I. Can. You put yourself on TV so you are opening yourself up to it, plain and simple.

And for the record, Melissa, you handled yourself with dignity (even when you were told there was a limo waiting outside *gag*) and when you called him a bastard, I sort of did a little cheer for you on my couch. Good call on not appearing on The Bachelor: After the Final Rose, Part 2 and putting yourself through further humiliation. I have no doubt you were asked, begged probably.

So last night, I watched The Bachelor: After the Final Rose, Part 2. And you and Molly, after six weeks, say you’re still madly in love. Good for you. Because everyone deserves someone. And if Molly can fall for a Douche, more power to her. And I know you both said that it’s been hard because you’ve been judged (Molly too) for how you acted. But the truth is, we don’t know the real story and we may never. I just cross my fingers that you didn’t plan to do what you did to Melissa (as the rumors claim) and that you don’t do it again to Molly (if simply for the reason that three versions of a proposal in one year would just be wrong, sorry).

There’s one more thing I really want to say to you but I won’t- believe it or not, I can bite my tongue. Because as judgmental as I feel and as fired up as I am, I’m not going to go there. I think you’re douchey enough already without me pointing out another thing that I didn’t like. I’ll simply say this, I hope you can now focus on your family when the cameras aren’t rolling.

PS: You kept the big-toothed, dental hygienist, stalker around for longer than the first rose ceremony why again? Actually, don’t answer that because I really don’t care.

©2012 Chick Lit Is Not Dead. All Rights Reserved.